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By Valerie Ulene–Special to The Times –December 3, 2007

My older daughter’s love of horses has cost my husband and me a small fortune, but neither one of us is complaining these days. At 13, she prefers being at the barn to being out with boys — and galloping around on horseback seems safer than having a boyfriend.

Dating poses risks that extend beyond the normal emotional ups and downs of a teen relationship, and violence associated with it is a widespread problem among teenagers. A national survey conducted in 2003 found that approximately 1 in 11 high school students had been victims of physical dating violence. More than 9% of students surveyed reported having been hit, slapped or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend.

This statistic actually underestimates the magnitude of the problem, because it takes into account only one form of dating violence. Sexual abuse, which can range from unwanted touching to forced sexual activity, is also common, with 24% of sexually active 15- to 17-year-olds saying they’d engaged in an unwanted sexual activity, according to a 2003 Kaiser Family Foundation report.

The most common type of abuse among teens, however, is emotional abuse. In some relationships, it takes the form of insults or mean-spirited teasing; in others, it involves out-and-out threats, accusations or possessive or controlling behavior.
Although boys and girls report dating violence at surprisingly similar rates, there are clear gender differences. Girls are more likely than boys to be the victims of sexual abuse, and the physical violence perpetrated by boys tends to be more severe than that inflicted by girls. “Girls suffer more serious injuries,” says Mitru Ciarlante, director of the Teen Victims Initiative at the National Center for Victims of Crime. “They also report more fear.”

Regardless of gender, dating violence takes a physical and emotional toll on its victims. Injuries are just part of the problem. Teens involved in abusive relationships are more likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors, such as binge drinking, and are at greater risk for depression and suicide. Dating violence is also associated with unhealthy sexual behaviors that can result in sexually transmitted diseases and/or unplanned pregnancy.

An abusive relationship during adolescence can affect future relationships as well. Patterns established early in life often carry over into adulthood.

Unfortunately, dating violence often goes unreported. Some teenagers simply want to try to solve problems on their own. Fear stops others from turning to an adult for help. They may worry that reporting the abuse will cause the violence to escalate or upset their peers. Some teens hesitate to get help because they fear losing the relationship itself.

Many victims also don’t report because they don’t recognize the problem. Teens have little experience in dating relationships and don’t automatically know what constitutes appropriate behavior. Extreme jealousy or controlling behavior, for example, may be misinterpreted as signs of affection.

“Violence is so widespread in their environment, victims may not see anything wrong with it,” Ciarlante says. Teens who witness their friends engaged in abusive relationships are less concerned about the violence when it happens to them.

Unfortunately, parents frequently fail to recognize the signs that their children are in trouble. “Generally speaking, the abuse is at a fairly severe level before families realize that it’s going on,” says Rose Pulliam, president of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, (866) 331-9474, launched this year, provides teenagers with a private outlet to talk about their concerns. “It’s an opportunity for teens to involve adults that might be able to help,” says Pulliam. (Teens can also discuss the topic online at http://www.loveisrespect.org/.)

Many experts believe that the best time to intervene, however, is before the abuse begins. Last year, the CDC launched a national initiative designed to prevent dating violence and promote healthy relationships. The program, Choose Respect, targets adolescents ages 11 to 14. It teaches the components of a healthy relationship and encourages behavior, such as honesty and compromise, that can be used to build such relationships.

Parents play a clear role in preventing dating abuse. Not only should they talk openly about the potential problem (asking about abusive behavior will not make it happen), they shouldn’t be afraid to step in if they have concerns.

“Teenagers still rely on their parents to help set limits,” Ciarlante says. “It’s important for parents to continue to parent.”

For now, that simply means another trip to the barn for me. I can even use the drive to talk to my daughter about relationships — in preparation for the day when she begins to notice boys. I can see her eyes rolling already.

Dr. Valerie Ulene is a board-certified specialist in preventive medicine practicing in L.A.

Do you text or IM when you don’t want to talk to someone face to face?  Have you ever cancelled a date or broken up with someone via one of these methods?

More than 4 in 10 people that IM or text do it because they don’t want to tell the person something in person.  Do you think it’s proper to ask someone out on a date via IM or text?  Does it make it easier to work up the courage to ask?

The good thing about it is that if they don’t want to go, they can politely decline without you having to see them make an ‘ugly face’ at the mere thought of going out with you.  You on the other hand, have it a little easier because when you get shot down, you don’t have to share the look of disappointment with them and you can then act later like it was ‘no big deal!’

Have we lost the art of talking to people?  You don’t get to hear the tone or inflection in their voice when you text or IM.  Is dating and/or relationships so unimportant that we can’t make a phone call and ask or tell properly?  Are you a chicken if you can’t give someone bad news of ‘no’ for a date or that you want to break up with them over the phone and have to resort to text or IM?

How do you feel about it?  Have you been broken up with by e-mail, texting or IM’ing?  Have you done that to someone else?

If you are wondering if you are emotionally healthy, here are the key things to consider. 

People who have good emotional health have control over their thoughts and their behaviors and their feelings. Emotionally healthy people feel good about themselves and have positive relationships. 

If you are emotionally healthy you are able to keep your problems in perspective, not building minor difficulties all out of proportion or failing to realize the seriousness of major issues. If you are emotionally healthy you are aware of yourself and you have self control.  If you exhibit all of these traits then you can be confident that you are emotionally healthy. 

Teens often have trouble maintaining emotional health. A very difficult time in their life, the teenager could become overwhelmed by the combination of physical and emotional changes he or she is going through. If you are a teenager wondering if you are emotionally healthy, know that this is not uncommon. 

You can endure many pressures as a teenager. You feel a lot of pressure from your peers to fit in , and their pressure can be counter to the pressure your parents, teachers and other adult caregivers are putting on you. Sometimes you wonder if you are emotionally healthy just because you are torn between trying to be cool for your friends, get good grades for your future and your parents, and excel at sports or other extracurricular activities. 

When you are a teen you are transitioning from your childhood into adulthood. You want to depend on your parents but you want to be independent too. All this struggle, and all these changes may make you wonder, are you emotionally healthy?
 
If you are the parent or caregiver of a teenager and their emotional health is in question what you need to do is look for the warning signs that something is wrong emotionally.  Not recognizing and acting on these signs can lead to alcohol or drug abuse, unprotected sex, eating disorder or depression.
 
Teens who are not emotionally healthy may seem agitated or overly restless. They may lose or gain weight at a greater than normal pace. They may exhibit unusual problems in schools – getting poor grades when they had excelled before, or playing hooky or getting into fights or arguments. They may seem to have trouble concentrating. 

Teens who are not emotionally healthy may seem sad most of the time, and may stop caring about people and things that used to matter a lot to them. They may seem like they are no longer motivated by the things and activities that used to excite them. They might quit the football team or give up cheerleading. They may seem always tired, and seem to have only a fraction of the boundless energy they used to exhibit.  They may seem to suffer from low self-esteem and their hygiene and wardrobe may suffer. They may have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or both.