www.Hot-Firefighters.com

- HONEY, I’M HOME FOR GOOD: A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE
Centre Times Daily
Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2007

Tensions arise in marriages when a spouse retires
By BILL REED
- The Gazette

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. : He alphabetized her spice rack.
She took it as an act of aggression. What else would you expect? For 33 years, Col. Reo Trail had been in the Air
Force, a distinguished career that included honors in World War II and a stint as commander of the Phu Cat Air Base in Vietnam. He was accustomed to discipline, organization and giving orders.

So when he retired to be with his wife and three kids, he decided he’d bring some order to the home front - and he started in the kitchen.

“The first thing he did was alphabetize my spices,” Martha Trail said.

“I thought that made sense,” he said. She was not amused.

That was 1972, and the Trails’ marriage has survived an additional 35 years since his retirement. But the transition wasn’t easy.

It’s a scenario that’s grown more common: As people retire earlier and live longer, a growing number of spouses are having to learn how to get along when both are home full time. This is especially true in towns like Colorado Springs, Colo., where the military makes early retirement a more popular option.

The recent rise in “gray divorces” - divorces among couples ages 40 to 80 - proves that a new chapter in life doesn’t always have a happy ending.

“Some of the people I see, I think: `They’re not going to work this out without counseling,’” said Mary Ann Cook, a “spouse in the house” coach from Colorado Springs, Colo. “It’s what married couples always go through, but it’s exacerbated because you’re together all the time.”

Define the problem

Cook has heard it all, from “We have nothing to talk about after all these years” to “I can’t stand the way he breathes. I can hear him all over the house!”

Cook began giving workshops on how to deal with a spouse in the house after her husband began to work at home 15 years ago. An accountant who worked long hours, her husband came home one day with a fax machine in tow and
announced he’d be home for good. Cook dropped the meatloaf she was holding, and glass and ground beef splattered across her kitchen.

At first, the work-at-home mother and writer admits, she taught the classes to get out of the house. After commiserating with otherwives and collecting stories from her workshops, she wrote the book “Honey, I’m Home for Good!”
(published by Focus on the Family in 2003) to dispense humor and advice to retirees and couples who work from home.

“Just sharing their stories in the class can help them feel better,” she said. “At least they know they’re not alone.”

The big issues are privacy and control, but the practical issues are who answers the phone, who gets the TV remote, who buys the groceries and who controls the thermostat.

The women also feel smothered by husbands who come home and expect to be waited on. They complain about their husbands being underfoot and getting in their business.

Sorry fellas, but after listening to hundreds of stories, Cook has never once heard from a wife who wished she could spend more time with her retired husband.

“I have never heard `I want to do something with him and he’s always off with his friends,’” she said. “Some men have said after reading my book they’re never going to retire. They had thought their wives would be thrilled to have them home.”

When her husband came home full time, Cook thought she needed to look as if she were working hard. They fought over her chatting on the phone with friends, and she started carrying around a broom just to seem busy.

Find solutions

Cook said her perspective started to change as she taught workshops to other women, and to the men who came with them.

Husbands said things such as, “I came home and I wanted to help her out, but everything I’d do she’d tell me I was doing wrong.”

Many couples had the same problem as the Trails with the alphabetized spice rack: He thought he was being helpful. She thought he was invading her territory, and perhaps indicting the way she’d been running the house.

Cook said she realized that communicating clearly was the linchpin to getting along better. Most men and women can’t read minds. Couples need to talk about exactly what they expect from each other.

“If you’re not honest about these things bugging you, you just get bitter,” Cook said. “Then you lash out and the person doesn’t know what hit them.”

Cook, who was so annoyed when her husband always asked when she’d be home as she left the house, instead asked him why he wanted to know. She thought he wanted to control her, but the truth was her friends were constantly calling
and asking “When will she be home?” She was relieved to discover she didn’t need to rush home at an appointed time; he was relieved that she didn’t expect him to serve as her secretary.

“Now it’s like, `Gee, he doesn’t even care if I leave,’” she said jokingly.

Cook also has an easy solution for men who demand to be waited on hand and foot, a common problem in older generations. “I say, just don’t do it. Teach him how to make a cup of coffee. Teach him to make toast.”

Cook walks her students through the ABCs: accept the reality, better the situation, and then learn to cherish the time together.

The Trails said that is wisdom they’ve gained on their own through the years. They discovered practical steps such as giving each other space and time away. They created a den in the basement that Reo could decorate and use as an escape. As for hobbies, he fixes up vintage cars, clocks and
watches, while Martha is passionate about her garden.

Reo, 86, said these days he is grateful simply to have time together with his wife.

Cook said that is profound; the change from griping to grateful changes everything.

“You have the opportunity to make this such a good time in your life, and you don’t want to waste it fighting over territory,” Cook said. “You don’t know how many years you have left together.”

10 tips

How to live with a retired (or work-at-home) spouse, from “Honey, I’m Home for Good!” by Mary Ann Cook:

1. Form an open and honest partnership.

2. Help your spouse feel welcome and comfortable in the home.

3. Communicate clearly, keeping in mind your mate’s personality.

4. Consider your mate’s needs and desires, not just your own.

5. Look for the humor in every situation.

6. Speak kindly and respectfully to each other.

7. Provide escape hatches for the rough times.

8. Stay active with separate and joint pastimes.

9. Make time for yourself and don’t feel guilty.

10. Count your blessings and record them in a gratitude journal. (You should include good things about the spouse who is bugging you.)

What no one’s talking about yet is the percentage of STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) in the older population, and it really needs to be addressed.

Being “out there,”  there’s a lot of sexual activity (or at least wanting it). That’s as much for women as men. The oldest man who has propositioned me was 77.  I just turned 62.

There’s not as much “relationship activity” as there is “sexual activity,” from what I can see. And, there are now a lot of women who want to have sex without “worrying” about a relationship. Both guys and women tell me this.

I always thought the two went together. Duh! And then I thought it was men who were more that way. Now I see that many women don’t want the “confines” of a relationship either. And since the world has changed in terms of women’s economic security, there’s not as much reason to marry.

From what I’ve read, and put together, for women, it depends on the quality of the past marriage. If it was widowhood (as it was for me), in the long-term, the woman wants to “do it again” if it was viewed as successful, nurturant, gratifying generally. If the widow had mixed feelings during the marriage, she generally doesn’t want to remarry. Been there, done that!

From what I hear in terms of divorce, women are not necessarily interested in remarrying, and a lot like “partialized” relationships — say, a date once a week and talking once or twice during the week. (I’m not yet sure what that says, if anything, about exclusivity).

It’s been a real eye-opener….Anonymous

Forbes
Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald
09.12.07

The first two years of retirement are comparable to the first two years of marriage or parenthood; it’s a time to negotiate (or renegotiate) roles and share ideas and dreams. As when getting married or having a child, it’s important to discuss and plan for the future before retiring, from an emotional as well as a financial standpoint.

Realize that the transition to retirement is a period of marital challenge for both sexes. Take heart: Although there are lots of adjustments to be made, the divorce rate among retired couples is only in the single digits. In fact, 60% of couples report that there is (ultimately) an improvement in their marriage after retirement.

Research has shown some common threads about the effects of retirement and working (or not working) on couples. One study looked at transitions in retirement involving 534 married couples in their 50s, 60s or 70s who were retired or about to retire from several large businesses in upstate New York.

Husbands and wives reported greater marital satisfaction if they retired at the same time. While men with nonworking spouses had greater marital satisfaction than those with working wives, regardless of whether the men themselves worked, those men who didn’t work but had a working spouse reported the most marital conflict.

Women experienced the highest marital satisfaction if they entered new jobs after retiring and their husbands were also working, but men who worked after retiring from their primary job experienced more marital discord than those men who didn’t work.

You may have heard the saying, “Twice the husband but half the money.” According to Ronald J. Manheimer, executive director of the North Carolina Center for Creative Retirement at the University of North Carolina, women’s fears in retirement include losing one’s identity (becoming more prevalent
with the increase in the number of retiring professional women), being responsible for their spouses’/significant others’ social life and entertainment, experiencing a disruption of their established patterns, needing to take care of everyone, financial and health issues and outliving their spouse.

Men’s concerns include lack of status, lack of social support, lack of purpose, declining physical abilities, poor communication with significant others and boomerang kids.

On the flip side, women’s fantasies include returning to school, becoming an entrepreneur, performing meaningful volunteer activities, renewing relationships and enjoying life.

Men’s dreams include an active lifestyle, getting in shape, reviving romance with spouse, more involvement with grandchildren and developing new skills. Both men and women include travel on their wish lists.

The first two years of retirement are comparable to the first two years of marriage or parenthood; it’s a time to negotiate (or renegotiate) roles and share ideas and dreams. As when getting married or having a child, it’s important to discuss and plan for the future before retiring, from an emotional as well as a financial standpoint.

Realize that the transition to retirement is a period of marital challenge for both sexes. Take heart: Although there are lots of adjustments to be made, the divorce rate among retired couples is only in the single digits. In fact, 60% of couples report that there is (ultimately) an improvement in
their marriage after retirement.

If the role of work is important to you but is causing stress in the relationship, take a look at alternative forms of work. Work doesn’t necessarily mean only paid and full-time work. It could include volunteering, community service, working fewer hours, doing projects, starting a new, scaled-down career–all of these could fit the definition of productive work. In the U.S., success tends to be defined in monetary terms, but separating success and productivity from paid employment will create many more options for making retirement a time of new and meaningful roles (think “psychic” income).

Finally, if you’re struggling with the decision to retire or not, ask yourself these three questions:

–Do I have enough?

–Have I had enough?

–Do I have enough to do?

Or, follow the link below for a quick quiz to help you make your decision.

Retirement Quiz: Should You Stop Working?  http://tinyurl.com/2uwyzb

Video: Seven secrets to A Successful Retirement
http://www.forbes.com/video/?video=fvn/investing/jd_cullinane091207_pf

Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald are co-authors of The New Retirement: The
Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life,  published by Rodale.

Senior sex: Raising a few eyebrows–But survey doesn’t surprise gerontologists
The news that sexual interest and activity doesn’t wane with the years may have shocked the kids and grandkids, but there are knowing nods and a few grumbles among the senior set and those who work with them.
By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY
Sept 13, 2007

The news that sexual interest and activity doesn’t wane with the years may have shocked the kids and grandkids, but there are knowing nods and a few grumbles among the senior set and those who work with them.

A study of the sex lives of 3,005 men and women ages 57-85, published in August in the New England Journal of Medicine, sparked talk about such frisky behavior by those old enough to know better.

But the finding that more than a quarter of those up to age 85 reported having sex the previous year was not a surprise to Deb Choma, nurse administrator for 17 years at Shard Villa, an assisted-living center in Salisbury, Vt.

Seven years ago, she found herself grappling with the realities of senior sex. First, there was the granddaughter who found her grandmother in a compromising pose with a gentleman resident. Then a 1 a.m. phone call alerted her to staff members finding that a female visitor had stayed over in an older male resident’s room. They were discovered in the buff.

Now she asks new residents whether they are sexually active. Her new-employee training includes a section on sex. And Choma speaks at state conferences on “Sexuality in Long-term Care,” including testing for sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV.

David Kyllo of the National Center for Assisted Living in Washington, D.C., says the fact that elders are sexually interested and active is “just not talked about widely.”

Neither is the flip side to the survey data, which shows that not everyone is getting in on the action. Though the study found that the prevalence of sexual activity declines with age, more than a quarter of even the youngest group (27% of those 57-64) did not have sex with a partner in the previous
year. Among those 64-74, 47% didn’t; and among those 75-85, about three-quarters (74%) didn’t.

“Clearly there are people who are happy to sexually retire,” says Sandra Leiblum, director of the Center for Sexual and Relationship Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, N.J. “There are people having full and loving lives without feeling the need to have often or frequent sex.”

Among those 75-85, just 38% of men and 17% of women reported sexual activity in the past year, notes John Bancroft, a Britain-based senior research fellow with the Kinsey Institute. “Age has quite an effect on sexuality, and it’s important to see that old people vary in this respect,” he says.

Psychologist and sociologist Lillian Rubin believes the study’s message is “Something is the matter with you if you’re not doing it,” says Rubin, author of 60 On Up: The Truth About Aging in America.

Women may become less interested in sex after menopause or because they are widowed or divorced and don’t have a partner, the study suggests. But lead author Stacy Tessler Lindau of the University of Chicago says her clinical
experience as a gynecologist suggests attitudinal issues as well.

Older women came of age in a different era, when “in many cases, women were expected to service the needs of their men and for reproduction,” she says. “If they did not have pleasure in those kinds of experiences, some say ‘I was happy to be done with it.’ ”

Many women 75 and older are not interested in sex “but want a social partner, to dance with or go to dinner or the movies,” says Patty Jordan, assistant manager of the North County Senior Center in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.

For men, it’s a very different story. Urologist Ridwan Shabsigh of Maimonides Medical Center in Brooklyn, N.Y., says men remain “sexually interested and active” into their 80s and 90s.

Estimates suggest more than 40 million men worldwide have been able to continue sexual activity into their later years because of medications such as Viagra, Levitra or Cialis.

Prince Dunn, 69, a budget analyst in Colorado Springs, decided to try such drugs after his 17-year marriage ended in divorce. “I’ve been taking high blood pressure medication for a number of years, and I don’t think it affected me earlier,” but later it did, he says.

J. Donald Capra, a retired research physician, and his wife, Pat, 72, a retired clinical psychologist, have been married 49 years and “have an active and fulfilling sexual relationship,” says Capra, 70, of Oklahoma City. But he says the notion of retiring from sex is “extremely common.”

“My impression is a lot of people quite happily married, simply over a period of time, stopped having sex or only on special occasions,” he says. “It may not have been discussed, but it simply happens. It’s the way it is for them.”

There’s no definite yes or no to this question, simply because there are many facets to dating and in some respects dating after the age of 40 is different, and yet on some levels it’s the same as dating at a younger age.  It also depends on the circumstances of why you’re dating at that age.
 

If you find yourself dating at 40 because of a recent break-up, especially of a long-term relationship, then you will suffer from the same bruised ego that a younger person would.  The difference will be that at 40, you will be conscious that there are many more younger people on the dating scene, and will feel that you have less chance of finding someone.  This isn’t the reality of the situation, but it’s the perceived reality that many older people new to the dating scene believe.
 

Most people of any age find dating a daunting prospect.  Most people, regardless of age, find that dating is a scary process that has to be endured in order to find someone they want to have a good relationship with - rather like having a painful procedure at the dentist in order to create a great looking smile!  Where people over 40 find it more difficult is in the fact that when they dated earlier in their lives, things were different.  There were social rules that have now changed - who dated who, who paid, expectations from a date, etc.  This adds anxiety to the idea that they’re going to be the oldest person at the speed dating evening, or that they’ll be thought of as someone looking to pick up their child, rather than a date!
 

If you find yourself dating in your 40’s, approach it as you did in your earlier days.  Look for the type of man who attracts you.  Don’t take your baggage on date!  Don’t assume that all men are like the one that let you down.  Don’t talk about him to the men that you date.  It’s very possible that if you date a man in his 40’s, he will have a similar relationship story to yours!  So start each dating experience as if it was your first date and don’t judge the person you’re out with against the way your last partner treated you. 
 

Although dating after 40 is a different prospect to dating in your 20’s, make sure that your perception of the idea of dating at an older age isn’t getting in the way of the reality.  You may not be the youngest participant in the dating game, but these days, you certainly won’t be the only older person who is looking for a relationship!

When a person gets older it is more difficult to find a partner that they would like to spend the rest of their lives with.  An individual may have suffered a divorce or the loss of a loved one.  These people are hurting but they are looking for that special person to fill the rest of their life.  There are various methods in finding the perfect individual or a lasting lifetime commitment. A senior may not even want a commitment; they could just be looking for a close friend and companion.  Whatever the case may be, there are ways to find someone that will make an excellent connection.  Personal ads, dating services and senior center events could all be geared towards older individual looking for that special someone. 

Many locations offer seniors personal ads dedicated directly to them.  These could be online, in a newspaper or a social bulletin.  This is a great way for individuals to find one another in a safe and secure environment.  A person that has been heart-broken needs to share their life with other people.  An ad could be placed or answered rather simply.  They could find the person that shares the same hobbies or interests.  They may be looking for a certain style of person.  All of this could be easily viewed through a personal ad. 

There are many social events and senior centers that offer various styles of activities.  They could offer a pool party, golf get-together or a dance.  Bingo is a great way to meet individuals while having a great time.  Dances and other singles’ gatherings are excellent for people to be together while having fun.  Mingling is important for seniors to meet new people and create friendships that could last a lifetime. 

There are various methods to finding love and togetherness.  An individual could enjoy spending time at a park, they could live in a senior community or they could even meet a wonderful person in a supermarket.  Many options are available for seniors to discover love and excitement again.  This is important to a healthy and vital life. 

A senior may feel that they are much too old for casual get-togethers and dating.  This is just not true.  This is the prime of their life, even though a heart-break has happened a time or two; a senior can learn how to live life again.  It is never too late to be with someone that makes each other happy.  The last years of a person’s life should be lived to the fullest, not becoming a hermit.  These people need to visit their community centers and newspaper events and go to these activities.  When they least expect it, they will find exactly what they are looking for. 

Sometimes an older man may not know where to turn. There are Russian women that could be found through agencies and other online resources. However, there is a danger from this practice as well. There are many scam artists that will take your money and never deliver what they promise. Russian women dating has been a practice for many years. These ladies would like something more than what they already have. A man could find plenty of resources regarding the tradition of dating and marring a Russian woman online. This method can assist a lonely individual in finding the perfect women for them. These services are designed to match older men with beautiful women for dating and marriage. There is information regarding this style of engagement vital to the well being of every mature man. 

Russian women take excellent care of themselves and their appearance. They have been known to be gorgeous, hard working and always looking for a gentleman to sweep them off their feet. A lady of this magnitude often wishes she could take care of her family more than work. She enjoys pleasing an individual more so than herself. They are more homebodies but they do enjoy a night out on the town. A Russian bride will make an excellent hostess and a wonderful companion. 

Online dating services match mature men with lonely Russian women. They are designed to find excellent matches. They can set up meetings and phone calls with these beautiful individuals. These online services cost a fee. However, they have ads from all types of Russian women waiting to meet a vital and strong man for a loving relationship. A male can post an ad on these websites or answer ads that are already available. They all cost a minimal fee. However, some offers guarantees to find the correct women for each man. 

A male must be careful about scams, however. Just like with anything, there are fakes and users just waiting to take someone’s money. They offer services or extra fees to meet these women and then they do not deliver anything. The Russian women on these type of websites are not real and they will steal a person’s heart and their money. It is vital to be careful when searching for a Russian bride. Online information can be found regarding exactly how these scams work. 

When seeking a Russian woman for dating and a fabulous relationship, it is vital to understand exactly what a person is getting into. Dating services are legal and they are plentiful. Before jumping into a marriage converse with the lady, understand what their likes and dislikes are. Marriage is a companionship, not a dictatorship. Be kind, loving and loyal. They want to please their husbands and take care of them. The mature man should do the same for them. 

An individual may not feel as young as they once were.  That is perfectly okay.  It is never too late to find a love or a very close friendship.  There are many ways a senior can locate some fun and interesting people to casually date or spend the rest of their life with.  With simple steps every older person will be able to go out and meet new people for an entertaining time.  An individual does not need to stay at home watching TV or being lonely.  Everyone is looking for someone.  That special individual could be right at your fingertips.  There are many social events dedicated for older people to leave their homes and keep enjoying life. 

One of the key methods in dating is common ground.  It is important to find an engagement geared towards a person likes and interests.  Once that is accomplished, other individuals will be at these events enjoying their hobbies and entertainment.  Every person at these events is just like you.  They may be shy and timid.  These individuals may not know if they should really be at a social gathering.  An important step is to relax and converse with different types of people.  They are all in the same boat. 

Conversation is a great way to learn about the other person.  It is important to know if a second date may be in the works.  The only way to find out is to talk to each other, find out likes and dislikes and begin planning for a second rendezvous.  Attend a group gathering; mingle with different styles of people.  Talk to them and get to know a few that catch your eye.  Invite a person to a show or an activity that both people may enjoy. 

It is okay if the first dates do not go as well as planned.  The point of dating is to meet new and interesting people.  A person does not need to fall in love or even like the person they are with.  If one does not work out, tell them you had an interesting time and thank them.  Then move on to someone new.  Come away from the date as a sign of practice and experience.  Do not let a few bad encounters discourage you from future people or events.  An individual is out there for everyone. 

Each individual has their strengths and weaknesses.  It is never a good idea to compare the date with a past love.  No one will match up to someone you were married to for 40 years.  However, a person could seek out someone that may enjoy the same styles of activities.  Each date should be light and entertaining until it is known if they are the one.  Senior dating does not need to be rocket science.  Anyone could go out and have a fabulous time.  A wonderful conversation and a fun time that both will enjoy is the perfect encounter. 

There are many locations on the internet that is geared to senior citizens.  These tools are a great way for lonely individuals to meet one another for friendship and a romantic relationship.  An individual may have lost a loved one recently and they are looking for someone to have companionship with.  These online personal ads are an excellent method for solitary.  They are designed for different individuals to begin to meet new and exciting people.  These types of personal ads are easy and straightforward to understand.  Online dating is a resource for individual to find other people to communicate with across the world or across the street.  When an individual chooses to use these services a whole new world opens up to them.  It is difficult for any individuals to meet people; with seniors it is can be even more hard and awkward. 

There are online dating services that are completely created and designed for seniors.  An individual may be able to find social engagements in their home town.  They might be able to find a group that is traveling to Los Vegas or a beach get-away trip.  There are various methods to locate and meet new individuals for friendship or a romantic relationship.  It is vital to take precautions before meeting anyone online, though.  Dangers lurk all around the internet that could interfere with a person’s well-being.  Scam artists and individuals that want to harm people are all over.  With common sense a senior citizen can be protected while finding interesting new people for a great relationship. 

Some of these online dating services guarantee that each person will find a new love in their life.  If a person does not find a relationship after a certain amount of time, they get some time for free.  A person cannot go wrong with trying these online personal ads.  After a heart-break, it is vital to get back into the game.  When a person is in the prime of their life, they deserve to find someone to share it with.  Online dating services will assist every person to find a match for any style of relationship an individual is looking for. 

No one would like to spend their life lonely and as a hermit.  It is time to remember the past but still live for the future.  With these special services geared towards older adults, anyone could find a match made in heaven.  Time is always wasting away, with a new person in an individual’s life, time is endless.  Online dating is a fun and safe way to chat with different people across the world.  Some are completely free and others cost a little money each month.  An individual could find the comfort they desire when using online dating services. 

When mature individuals go out on dates a wonderful new world opens to them.  These individual are happy and secure in what they are doing.  Even older people need love and companionship to make it through a day.  They get nervous on dates and wait by the phone for the call that may or may not come.  It is a vital part of life to have friends and relationships.  There are various ways a couple can enjoy spending time together romantically.  Every individual needs the feeling of a bright and cheery day.  When mature people begin dating they may feel anxious and a little timid.  If individuals get back into the swing of things a new future of love and understanding beings to grow.

There are various activities people may enjoy together.  They can make a picnic to take to the lake.  This is a beautiful pastime that is endless.  A quiet day by the river could bring two individual’s closer together.  A moonlit walk on a beach would brighten anyone’s evening.  Outdoor events are a great way to be able to converse and enjoy the sights and sounds out outdoor living.  Jazz festivals in a park, a candlelit dinner on a patio are excellent methods in being with one another.

A couple could spend their time traveling around the country or the world.  They could discover new and exciting details together.  There are many sights to locate and events to be apart of.  A mature couple could see everything they always wanted to and the best part of all, they can do it together.  Get in the car and drive where the road goes.  Do not have a plan just go until a rest is needed.  There are various methods to enjoy time together and be entertained with the company that is there.

A mature couple could enjoy playing games together.  They could like going to social events and spending time with groups of people.  A couple would have fun entering a dancing contest or winning a toaster at a local bingo game.  A person would enjoy taking their significant other out bowling or hitting a bar and playing pool.  The skies the limit on the fun and exciting times a mature couple could experience together.

Activities do not make the couple stronger or weaker.  It is the quality time spent together that makes all the difference in the world.  When dating, a person could find the love of their life or experience new ideas and thoughts.  There are always places to go and people to see.  Do not be stuck inside when there is a whole new world waiting for each person to experience together.  Older individuals have a difficult time learning how to date again.  It is the same as it has always been.  Do not let fear control the desire.