www.Hot-Firefighters.com

By Valerie Ulene–Special to The Times –December 3, 2007

My older daughter’s love of horses has cost my husband and me a small fortune, but neither one of us is complaining these days. At 13, she prefers being at the barn to being out with boys — and galloping around on horseback seems safer than having a boyfriend.

Dating poses risks that extend beyond the normal emotional ups and downs of a teen relationship, and violence associated with it is a widespread problem among teenagers. A national survey conducted in 2003 found that approximately 1 in 11 high school students had been victims of physical dating violence. More than 9% of students surveyed reported having been hit, slapped or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend.

This statistic actually underestimates the magnitude of the problem, because it takes into account only one form of dating violence. Sexual abuse, which can range from unwanted touching to forced sexual activity, is also common, with 24% of sexually active 15- to 17-year-olds saying they’d engaged in an unwanted sexual activity, according to a 2003 Kaiser Family Foundation report.

The most common type of abuse among teens, however, is emotional abuse. In some relationships, it takes the form of insults or mean-spirited teasing; in others, it involves out-and-out threats, accusations or possessive or controlling behavior.
Although boys and girls report dating violence at surprisingly similar rates, there are clear gender differences. Girls are more likely than boys to be the victims of sexual abuse, and the physical violence perpetrated by boys tends to be more severe than that inflicted by girls. “Girls suffer more serious injuries,” says Mitru Ciarlante, director of the Teen Victims Initiative at the National Center for Victims of Crime. “They also report more fear.”

Regardless of gender, dating violence takes a physical and emotional toll on its victims. Injuries are just part of the problem. Teens involved in abusive relationships are more likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors, such as binge drinking, and are at greater risk for depression and suicide. Dating violence is also associated with unhealthy sexual behaviors that can result in sexually transmitted diseases and/or unplanned pregnancy.

An abusive relationship during adolescence can affect future relationships as well. Patterns established early in life often carry over into adulthood.

Unfortunately, dating violence often goes unreported. Some teenagers simply want to try to solve problems on their own. Fear stops others from turning to an adult for help. They may worry that reporting the abuse will cause the violence to escalate or upset their peers. Some teens hesitate to get help because they fear losing the relationship itself.

Many victims also don’t report because they don’t recognize the problem. Teens have little experience in dating relationships and don’t automatically know what constitutes appropriate behavior. Extreme jealousy or controlling behavior, for example, may be misinterpreted as signs of affection.

“Violence is so widespread in their environment, victims may not see anything wrong with it,” Ciarlante says. Teens who witness their friends engaged in abusive relationships are less concerned about the violence when it happens to them.

Unfortunately, parents frequently fail to recognize the signs that their children are in trouble. “Generally speaking, the abuse is at a fairly severe level before families realize that it’s going on,” says Rose Pulliam, president of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, (866) 331-9474, launched this year, provides teenagers with a private outlet to talk about their concerns. “It’s an opportunity for teens to involve adults that might be able to help,” says Pulliam. (Teens can also discuss the topic online at http://www.loveisrespect.org/.)

Many experts believe that the best time to intervene, however, is before the abuse begins. Last year, the CDC launched a national initiative designed to prevent dating violence and promote healthy relationships. The program, Choose Respect, targets adolescents ages 11 to 14. It teaches the components of a healthy relationship and encourages behavior, such as honesty and compromise, that can be used to build such relationships.

Parents play a clear role in preventing dating abuse. Not only should they talk openly about the potential problem (asking about abusive behavior will not make it happen), they shouldn’t be afraid to step in if they have concerns.

“Teenagers still rely on their parents to help set limits,” Ciarlante says. “It’s important for parents to continue to parent.”

For now, that simply means another trip to the barn for me. I can even use the drive to talk to my daughter about relationships — in preparation for the day when she begins to notice boys. I can see her eyes rolling already.

Dr. Valerie Ulene is a board-certified specialist in preventive medicine practicing in L.A.

MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP DEBUTS ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL OCT 24

Marriage Boot Camp is All About Love
Dallas Morning News
Oct 9, 2007
Jake Batsell

Marriage Boot Camp has drawn thousands to area seminars, and it is about to be on TV

PLANO: ­ Five couples amble into a meeting room, take their seats and anxiously eye one another as Joe Cocker’s scratchy voice belts out an urgent plea:

“Love lift us up where we belong.”

Over the next four days, these couples will try everything from blindfolded dodge ball to group revelations in hopes of improving their marriages. An army of facilitators in dark suits ­ both men and women ­ will lead a regimen of intense, sometimes confrontational drills that diverge sharply from traditional marriage therapy.

“They’re going to stay in your face,” camp director David Bishop says. “We’re going to be targeting hot spots in your marriage.”

Mr. Bishop and the camp’s founder, Jim Carroll of Richardson, don’t claim to be licensed therapists ­ Mr. Bishop is a retired Dallas firefighter; Mr. Carroll, a security company executive.

But the duo’s program of tough-love drills, competitions, games and interventions has drawn nearly 3,000 people to seminars in Plano and Richardson since 2002.

Later this month, their methods will gain even more exposure when the reality TV show Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel.

There’s the Parachute, an exercise in which spouses on a doomed plane must decide which one will live. Or the drill where spouses swing giant foam noodles to “beat” undesirable qualities out of one another.

Other exercises put campers on the spot in front of the group, including forgiveness drills that force spouses to confront painful moments.

In advance footage of the television show provided by the network, Mr. Carroll and Mr. Bishop single out a couple grappling with infidelity.

“Is it OK what you did?” Mr. Carroll asks the woman as dozens of others look on.

“No, it’s not OK,” she replies, grasping her husband’s hands. “But I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it because I was hurting. I’m truly sorry I hurt you. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.” It’s rough.

Organizers say such emotionally intense drills distinguish the boot camp from a crowded field of marriage seminars and retreats. They say they give couples fair warning that the boot camp won’t be gentle.

“You tell them ahead of time, ‘Hey, we’re going to be rough and tough. You’re probably going to hate us,’ ” Mr. Carroll said. “If they know to expect that, then they roll with the punches.”

But organizers say the success of their blunt approach is evident in a constant stream of referrals by program graduates. And while the boot camp stopped keeping follow-up statistics last year, Mr. Bishop said 16 of the 18 couples filmed for the show last fall are still together.

“We don’t counsel,” Mr. Bishop added. “We don’t give advice. They find their own answers as they’re going through these games and drills.”

Both directors say the boot camp is shaped in part by their own divorces and their experience with Christian ministry groups. But the seminar is nondenominational, and its alumni include atheists, Muslims and same-sex couples.

Mr. Carroll, who once trained under celebrity psychologist Phil McGraw, began developing the program five years ago during his honeymoon with his current wife.

He held the first boot camp in Plano in September 2002. Ever since, people have been flying in to attend the seminars from as far away as Africa, often sponsored by previous attendees.
 

‘Exposed’

Angie and Jared Zuniga had separated several times before they volunteered to be filmed for the show.

When the Zunigas drove up to Richardson last year from Leander, an Austin suburb, both expected that they would end up divorcing after the seminar.

“This was the very last thing on the list that we hadn’t tried yet,” Ms. Zuniga said.

Mr. Zuniga said the boot camp helped him resolve personal issues that other forms of therapy couldn’t fix. Camp leaders constantly turned the tables by forcing him to account for his own behavior rather than blaming his wife.

“It just exposed who I am, 100 percent,” he said. “I would not be married today if it wasn’t for that.”

Keith Hammond, a retired Marine master sergeant who lives in Allen, said the boot camp’s four-day progression of drills allows attendees to delve deeply into personal pain that may be hurting their marriages.

“The problem with typical counseling is, you just don’t get enough time to get into the meat of what you need to resolve before the time is up,” said Mr. Hammond, a boot camp graduate who now works as a facilitator. “You don’t have the kind of intensity over a period of time, like the boot camp affords.” Not therapy, therapeutic Leon Ashley Peek, a Denton psychologist who works with divorcing couples, said boot-camp-style seminars can be helpful if they spur couples to communicate better with each other.

But if a spouse is suffering from depression or another serious mental illness, Dr. Peek said, it’s best to seek out a trained mental health professional rather than a seminar led by lay counselors.

“This stuff isn’t therapy,” he said.

Prospective participants should be aware that all-consuming programs like the boot camp can trigger deep-seated emotions, said James Campbell Quick, a University of Texas at Arlington professor who specializes in stress management.

“You can have problems break out or surprise you,” Dr. Quick said.

Mr. Carroll acknowledges that the boot camp is not therapy and that its leaders “have no titles, no paperwork, nothing behind our names.” But he said the seminar’s intensive format leads to breakthroughs that couples can’t achieve in traditional therapy.

“We think counseling’s good, but if you go to counseling, it’s almost like you have to start over every session,” he said. “And then the counselor really can’t get into people’s faces, because they won’t go back to the counselor anymore.”

Maryanne Watson, a Plano psychologist who refers clients to the boot camp, said the seminar is “not therapy, but it’s therapeutic.”

“There’s so much feeling and intensity, they really rebond,” Dr. Watson said. “They also get rid of a lot of anger.”

Follow-through

The success of any marriage seminar depends on how well couples follow through once they get home, Dr. Peek said.

“It’s easy to get together and get all gung-ho about being a good communicator and telling your partner what you feel,” Dr. Peek said. “But to get that to transfer so you do it at home is much more valuable.”

The Zunigas said they’ve been able to maintain the momentum since turning the corner during last year’s filming.

“It’s more like two best friends who love each other and know they’re going to be together forever,” Mr. Zuniga said. “Those little problems that comeup, they’re just kind of trivial.”

ABOUT THE SEMINAR
The Marriage Boot Camp, held monthly at Plano Centre, costs $600 a person for a four-day workshop and $400 a person for an evening-only workshop. For more information, visit www.marriagebootcamp.com.

ABOUT THE TV SHOW
Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel (TLC) at 6 p.m. Oct. 24.

Every once in a while, you just know that you’ve had a life changing conversation with someone.  I just had just such a conversation with a young person that works for me.

The girl rushed breathlessly up to Kate saying how nervous she was. She was just about to go on a second date with a new boyfriend. After listening and chatting for a while, Kate asked her,  is he marriageable ? The girl stopped dead in her tracks, wide-eyed and at a loss for words. The question seemed out of place, talking about marriage when they had only just met.”What do you mean ?” she asked,  “how can you possibly tell ?” “Well ,” said Kate,  “observe things, the way he is. Is he polite, kind, generous, encouraging, truthful? Does he apologize? Is he rude, belittling? Use your radar!”

“But I don’t believe in marriage “, she recoiled. “Why ever not?” asked Kate gently. “It’s just a piece of paper ,” she replied. “You want to be very careful ,” warned Kate. “People that lose out most are those who find themselves drifting into living together with someone who may not have planned the long term future together that you have in mind. People often move in together because it’s convenient. You may feel committed. But this may not be what he is thinking. You need to be sure that this guy is marriageable. If he isn’t, ask yourself: what am I doing with him?” And so the conversation continued with the girl obviously intrigued and engaged by this new way of looking at her new boyfriend.

The question “Is he marriageable ?” is the exact question I have always encouraged my own teenage daughters to ask of their potential future boyfriends. Although they rip me to shreds about it ­ “Oh dad!” ­ they know it is the fundamental question they must ask for themselves. It doesn’t mean they have to get married. It just means they won’t end up wasting their time with a loser.

Kate’s conversation with her work colleague shows how a number of important threads in the latest marriage education and research can be brought together in an everyday encounter. People who marry are more likely to stay together and be happier. It’s not the piece of paper, it’s the attitudes that marriage represents. The decision to commit as a couple with a
long-term future appears especially important to men. Drifting into a cohabiting relationship can make it hard to exit if things aren’t what you’d hoped for. Men in particular are less likely to commit or sacrifice for the sake of the relationship if they haven’t made a clear decision about their future. Living together is simply not enough, even if you have a mortgage and baby. Nearly one in two unmarried parents split before their child’s fifth birthday.

As well as all the excellent characteristics that Kate pointed out, I would therefore also suggest her colleague look for signs that he is both decisive and willing to give up his own interests for her sake. Reliable love requires commitment, which is all about long-term time horizon, clear decisions or intentionality, and willingness to sacrifice.

My main suggestion for women starting out with a new boyfriend is “SAY NO (to moving in) UNTIL HE SAYS YES (to a long-term future)”.

There was obviously a lot more to Kate’s conversation at work. But Kate knows that every time this girl looks at her new boyfriend from now on, she will be sizing him up in a completely different way. “Oh Kate ,” she said rather sheepishly at the end of the conversation. “I’m really nervous now. You’re making me think marriage is a good idea !”

An e-mail here, a smile there. Maybe that ‘innocent’ friendship with your guy friend isn’t so innocent after all….

I’ll call him John. The first time we met, he actually struck me as a bit arrogant. He irritated me enough that I mentioned him to my husband in a “Can you believe this guy?” kind of way. But I interacted with John only occasionally, always through work and mostly over e-mail, so it wasn’t a huge deal. He’s just one of those people who gets under my skin, I told myself.

But a little over a year into our working relationship, something changed. One day, John let down his guard with me and I responded, I suppose in part because I couldn’t help but be curious about his mostly hidden soft side. Our conversations turned to easy banter and later — I have a hard time admitting this even now — flirtation. Our e-mails, which could number several in one day, never included outright expressions of affection toward each other. Instead, our notes were mostly business peppered with friendly sparring. We shared a similar sense of humor. I felt that he got me.

I told myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I had to talk with this guy for work, after all. And couldn’t I have a friend who happened to be male? I also told my husband about him, even sharing when we’d meet for coffee or lunch (always scheduled with the intention of discussing business). My husband, busy with a demanding job, trusted me completely.

In the midst of working part-time and caring for a preschooler, a toddler, and, later, a new baby, e-mailing and talking with John felt like an innocent escape. I never would have said at the time that I was in a bad marriage — my husband and I got along well; we just didn’t have a lot of quality alone time together — and I had no intention of crossing any physical line. But I increasingly found myself sharing more and more of my hopes and dreams with John instead of just with my husband. I anticipated my regular interactions with John in a way that was all too consuming. And it was John — not my husband — who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in my life. I was, in fact, unknowingly cheating on my husband; I was having an emotional affair.

More Than Just Friends
The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they’re just as unmistakable. “An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage,” explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. It’s not so much that you’re not talking with your husband—there’s always stuff to discuss, thanks to kids and mortgages — but you’re not sharing with him. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage,” says Neuman. “And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both.”

While emotional affairs are not a totally new phenomenon — the late Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., wrote about them in her groundbreaking 2003 book, NOT “Just Friends” — experts agree that they’re on the rise. “Emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated,” says relationship expert Steven Stosny, Ph.D., coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs and packed schedules or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to feel that they’ve stopped caring. “This feeling of emotional detachment plants the seeds for an emotional affair,” says Stosny, “because when you feel emotionally detached from your husband, you are faced with a choice — either to improve the bond you share with him or to look elsewhere to get your needs met.” And working to improve your marriage is just that: work — work that’s a lot less alluring than a little special attention from someone new.

That’s where the affair partner comes in. Having another guy turn his focus onto you, even if only in friendship, can be dangerously seductive. I can attest to that firsthand: When I started my relationship with John, I wasn’t even aware of the resentment I felt toward my husband over the long hours he spent away from me and our kids at his job. To complicate matters, I was grappling with my sense of self. I second-guessed my new roles as a wife and mother: Was I being the best parent I could be by only working part-time from home? Should I work more so I could help our family’s finances? Or scrap the job thing altogether and more fully embrace this precious time with my children? What about my hobbies and interests? What was it again that I liked to do anyway?

Enter John: a guy who understood what I did for a living and made me laugh wholeheartedly. When I spoke with him, I felt smart and beautiful, sexy even, because he respected what I had to say and engaged me in intense and stimulating conversation. It wasn’t that my husband wasn’t able to do these things; he’d provided all that and more, especially during our early years together. But as time wore on, we were simply so mired in caring for our kids and making sure the bills were paid that our emotional connection waned. John didn’t know me as a wife or mother, but simply as a woman. He was someone who reminded me of the person I used to be — and perhaps hoped to find again.

An emotional affair also offers the thrill of the forbidden without crossing any physical lines. “You know it’s wrong, that it’s taboo,” says Stosny. “That’s what makes it provocative and rousing.” When Rebecca Smith*, a 39-year-old mother of two from Annapolis, MD, began regularly e-mailing with her friend Lyle, her youngest child had just started kindergarten and her husband was working longer hours. Exchanging e-mails with Lyle was a welcome diversion, not only because it filled her downtime but because their often silly, sometimes sexually charged notes were a far cry from her conversations with her husband. “My husband can be kind of negative, and Lyle has a more optimistic outlook on life. We often had these sparring conversations. It was intellectually stimulating for me,” she says. “And the more we e-mailed, the more I found myself magnetized to him and fantasizing about what my life would be like if we were together.”

Too Close for Comfort
Once you’re drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don’t want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn’t easy to let go of because it’s so “safe” — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your husband to this other man, says Neuman, which compounds the damage. “You don’t have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new guy can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving,” he says. “You go back to your spouse and you’re comparing him to this guy in pieces: He’ll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy.” While emotional affairs rarely break up couples, they can leave a marriage torn and tattered. “The affair saps so much emotional energy and core values away from your relationship,” says Stosny, “that you’ll undoubtedly feel guilty and irritable and blame your husband for these bad feelings.”

Another sure sign your “innocent” friendship has gotten out of control: You would be embarrassed for your husband to witness your interactions or to know what you are thinking about when you’re with this other guy. And once you start keeping secrets, even “innocent” ones, your intimacy with your main man suffers even more. Toni Richards, 40, a mother of four from Wiley, TX, who had an emotional affair with a former coworker, says that as she grew closer to Bobby, she began to flat-out avoid her husband. “I wasn’t even sleeping in the same bed as my husband. In a sense, I didn’t want to be next to him because I worried he would know that something was going on, that I would say something in my sleep,” she says. “I started pulling away from him and I didn’t talk to him as much.”

And of course, with every emotionally engaging or sexually charged conversation or e-mail, phone call, or meeting, taking your affair to the physical level becomes the obvious (though by no means inevitable) next step. “The longer you continue an emotional affair, the greater the chance it will become physical,” says Stosny. The first time Bobby asked Toni to meet him for dinner, which meant she had to lie to her husband about where she was going after work, she agreed. “We didn’t kiss, but we held hands and sat next to each other—closer than friends should be sitting,” she says. In a matter of weeks, she knew that Bobby was ready to get physical. After wrestling internally with the idea of being with him — and realizing that she didn’t want things to go down that path—she decided to break off the connection with Bobby entirely. “It was a hard choice, but I still loved my husband and didn’t want to ruin my marriage any more than I already had,” she says.

Getting Out
Even after you’ve recognized your emotional affair and the damage it’s causing your marriage, slamming on the brakes is easier said than done. Says Stosny, “Many emotional affairs turn almost obsessive simply because you never had sex to consummate your fantasies.” It took months for Rebecca to tear herself away from Lyle, even after her husband came across an e-mail from Lyle and called her out on their too friendly exchange. He demanded that she show him all of her e-mails with Lyle, which she did, and asked her to stop talking with him. She agreed, but secretly maintained contact. As time went on, though, she says, “I became riddled with guilt and grew increasingly aware of how my time and energy spent on Lyle was taking away from my family, from myself. But I couldn’t help myself.” In fact, she still hasn’t completely cut ties with Lyle. “We still e-mail now and again,” she says. “I’m just more guarded with him.”

As tough as it is, quitting the relationship cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair for real and for good. “Setting boundaries for continued contact will only raise the taboo level and, along with it, the excitement, the obsessions, and the motivation,” says Stosny.

The aftermath of an emotional affair can have an upside: “Failing your own values can make you more committed to them in the future,” says Stosny. So consider the experience a wake-up call to what is missing not only in your relationship but also within yourself. “I realized that if I can’t talk to my husband the way I talk to Bobby, then there’s a big problem that I need to fix first in my marriage,” says Toni. And while Stosny and Neuman say it’s not imperative that you admit your affair to your husband — in fact, you may even hurt him needlessly by doing so—some women don’t feel like they can fully move on unless they come clean. After she cut things off with Bobby, Toni opted to tell her husband about the situation. “He was hurt that I’d been sharing personal thoughts with another man,” she says, “but he was mostly relieved that nothing physical had happened.” The couple is in the midst of trying to find a marital counselor, and Toni is hopeful she can rebuild her marriage.

Severing your connection to the other man — whether or not you ever tell your husband about him — is only step one. You also need to funnel all the energy you were putting into your affair back into your marriage. And while setting aside more time to spend with each other — away from kids and other couples — is important for patching things up and maintaining intimacy in your marriage, it’s just as crucial to adopt a new attitude toward your guy. “Emotional connection is a mental state,” says Stosny. “You choose to feel connected to your husband. You decide to be loving and compassionate toward him. You will feel emotionally bonded and sexually stimulated with your husband because you’ve committed yourself and all your positive energies to him — and he’ll definitely pick up on the vibes you’re giving off.”

Nurturing your relationship is the emergency care it needs to heal. But for long-term marital health, you also need to nurture yourself. Trying out a new hobby, getting involved in your community, or tapping into your spiritual side can help you recover from — and prevent you from having — an emotional affair. “When you have more interests in your life, you have less of a desire to find something exciting and taboo to intrigue you,” says Stosny. “Plus, you’ll lead a richer, fuller life with less emotionally needy gaps.” After cooling things down with Lyle, Rebecca decided to refocus those energies on her guy and the other people close to her. “I can’t expect that my husband is going to meet every emotional need in my life, so I’m reaching out to my girlfriends and spending more time with my family.” She also recently signed up for a handwriting-analysis class, something she’s always been interested in learning about, “just for fun and to get my mind on something else,” she says.

For me, my emotional involvement with John ebbed and flowed for nearly two years. It reached a tipping point when I could no longer ignore the fact that my husband and I were fighting more often, no doubt in part because of my refusal to focus on my marriage and on how my own actions were adding to our growing friction. Like Toni, I eventually decided to share my struggle with my husband, who handled it with incredible grace. The conversation wasn’t only about me turning to someone else; we also spoke, perhaps for the first time, about what we really expected and needed from each other. It’s a discussion that continues to evolve between us. I still think about John sometimes — and how my relationship with him could have destroyed everything I hold dear. Each day, I make a conscious decision to nurture my bond with my husband first and foremost. And as our relationship grows stronger, I realize I’m getting as good as I give.

82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first “just a friend,” according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.
Are You in an Emotional Affair?YOU’VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU…

• Touch your male friend in “legal” ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
• Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
• Think crush-like thoughts like, He’d love this song!
• Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
• No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
• Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

IT’S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU…

• Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
• Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.
• Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE…

• Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
• Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.
• Surround yourself with happily married friends who don’t believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.

By Heather Johnson Durocher

Even in the best divorces, kids live divided lives in which they struggle to understand their parents’ behavior, negotiate tangled family systems, and develop values and beliefs.

Children of the Divorce Olympics Stay Married
London Times
September 16, 2007

Daisy Gordon

A victim of the break-up boom of the 1960’s, our correspondent says hergeneration will fight to avoid inflicting such pain again.

From the age of six I have lived a double life. Not because I was
intrinsically deceitful but because, like 20m other people in this country (according to a survey last week), my life has been profoundly altered by divorce. My parents split up in the late 1960’s and they both remarried and had more children. Like Diana, Princess of Wales, my childhood was spent rattling across the country with my younger brother from one parental home to another.

In one house we drank coffee, went to bed at eight sharp and always had clean socks; at the other we drank tea, put ourselves to bed when we felt like it and had bare feet. In one house the bed was always made, in the other it was a mass of rumpled sheets with sand at the bottom. Capital radio was forbidden in one house, Elvis was compulsory in the other.

Every holiday, Christmas, birthday was bisected by the iron curtain of the two incompatible ideological universes in which I lived. I became an expert at an early age in reading the room. My mother thought it was funny that I was trying to read Lady Chatterley at the age of 11, my stepmother confiscated the book. I started learning Russian at school because back in the cold war 1970’s I thought my upbringing made me uniquely qualified for a life of espionage.

I was one of the lucky ones. I saw both my parents regularly, materially I had everything I needed ­ perhaps more: double Christmas presents for a start.

As a child I used to say to sympathetic questioners that I was fine, lucky even, after all it was the only life I knew. But now that I am grown up, married and have children of my own I have stopped being stoical. I can admit that things were not fine. They were strange and bewildering and their mark on me is indelible.

The circumstances of my childhood have made me adaptable, resourceful and emotionally intelligent, true, but I am also needy, insecure and unable to set boundaries. I have been clinically depressed.

However, the one thing I am not is divorced, because I know what divorce means. And the latest statistics suggest that I am not alone in this awareness.

Divorce rates have fallen slightly in England and Wales for the third year in succession. There are several explanations for this: people aren¹t getting married as much as they used to, the property boom means people can’t afford to leave home, people are getting married later and therefore have less time to repent at leisure. But I wonder if there is another underlying trend ­ that my generation who grew up in the 1960s and 1970’s when the divorce Olympics were in full swing have decided that marriages are not as disposable as their parents thought.

The statistics appear to bear this out. The biggest drop in divorce rates is among the underforties ­ in other words, the children born during the divorce boom that started in the late 1960’s. Having been through one divorce, the children of broken homes have no desire to go through another. They realise, because their parents didn’t, that in Margaret Atwood’s words, “a divorce is like an amputation, you survive but there’s less of you”.

My mother and her three siblings have all been married at least twice. But the same is not true of my generation: my brother, half-sister and I have now all been married longer than our parents were. Never say never, of course, but so far we seem to be making a better job of staying together than our parents did.

I don’t think this phenomenon is confined to my family. When I was a child at least a third of my friends came from ‘broken’ homes, but there are few divorced parents standing at the gates of my daughter’s school. And while there have been divorces among my cohort of metropolitan thirty and forty-somethings, they are the exception rather than the norm. Significantly, the people who have got divorced have been the ones who grew up in ‘unbroken’ homes.

Even though divorce is not the legal blame-fest that it was when my parents split up, no one –children, parents, grandparents ­ comes out of it unscathed. There is always a loss. That loss can reverberate well into adult life. I have just written a book that goes back four generations to find a narrative that makes sense of the failure of my parents’ marriage. Readers from similar backgrounds to mine have told me how their adult lives have been blighted by their past, of their longing for a different future.

Outward success is no substitute for that early loss. Alex Mahon, 33, managing director of Shine media, has been married for four years and has a four-month-old baby. Her parents divorced when she was six and she boasts no fewer than 10 stepbrothers and sisters. Despite having a PhD in astrophysics she says that “to have four children and to keep my marriage together would be the biggest achievement of my life”.

My mother had married in a crochet minidress in the 1960s; at my wedding in the 1980s I wore a full-on meringue complete with veil, as if wearing the outfit would somehow make the whole thing binding. My parents were rather surprised that I wanted such a ‘conventional’ wedding, but to me a white wedding complete with cake was a talisman against what I knew to be the fragility of marriage.

Ask Marilyn….by Marilyn vos Savant

I’m single guy.  Do you know any good icebreakers to start an intelligent conversation?  I’m not looking for pickup lines!

I’ve asked people, “Have you seen any bad movies lately?”  Then I explain that I’ve learned not to trust recommendations for good movies, but if anyone says a movie is awful, it’s awful!  Readers, do you have any smart conversation-openers?

If you have never watched Confessions of a Matchmaker starring Patti Novak, a REAL live matchmaker based out of Buffalo, New York, a city that has one of the highest singles population…you are in for a real treat!  On A&E TV she is great to watch for tips and tricks on HOW to date and greatly entertaining.  Even if any of the scenarios don’t apply directly to you because you are already ‘perfect’, you are in for a ‘popcorn and drink’ relaxing night of entertainment.

Some say that she is brutal and too honest, but some of these people NEED that. For some of them, the reason they can’t find anybody is that they are doing something or NOT doing something that needs some obvious correction that is not going to necessarily come from their dates!

Patti is not mean-spirited but since these people are paying her and relying upon her, she owes it to them to be honest if she is going to help them.  Some get it and some don’t.  Just like anything else in life!

If you haven’t tuned into her yet, do so this week and you might just pick up a few tips along the way! Here are her tips for Preparing for the ‘First Date’ which we know makes or break or anything that should come next!

1. When setting up the first date spend no more than 5 minutes on the phone.  You want there to be an air of mystery and have a lot to talk about on the actual date.
2. Guys should make the initial call and suggest where to have the date.  It shows initiative.
3. Early evenings are a great time for dates.  Mornings remind us too much of work and lunch is too informal.  Early evenings allow you the opportunity, if you do like each other, to have more time together.
4. The best places to meet for a first date are PUBLIC places.  Restaurants are safe.  Do not go the movies or secluded, quiet places.  Keep it as public as possible.
5. Stay away from bars and the club scene.  There are too many people and too much activity to be distracted by.  You may lose focus of your date.
6. Also, stay away from bookstores.  That is where you meet, not where you date.
7. A first date should never be a coffee date; it is the direct eye contact that makes women uncomfortable.  Try a nice restaurant or take a walk and have a chat.
8. You have 10 seconds to pass a physical inspection and about 10 more minutes to develop an emotional chemistry….So look your best and be a proactive communicator.  The art is in listening and talking.
9. When dressing for a first date, dress casual, but nice.
10. Do not wear sneakers or sweats.
11. Make sure your hair and your appearance is neat.
12. Less is better when it comes to jewelry, which goes for both men and women.
13. Make sure you carry breath mints.
14. And most importantly, be on time!

Don’t miss your opportunity to get FREE dating advice and be entertained at the same time…watch Confessions of a Matchmaker!

By KATHERINE NGUYEN
The Orange County Register

It’s every woman’s dating nightmare.

Nearly two months have passed since 19-year-old Donna Jou of Rancho Santa Margarita went missing after she went on a date with a stranger she met through Craigslist.org. The stranger turned out to be a convicted sex offender, and Jou was last seen by her family climbing on the back of his motorcycle, heading to a party in Los Angeles. While the man has since been detained in Florida, Jou remains missing and authorities fear the worst.

If Jou’s story hasn’t hit a nerve with anyone out there in the dating world, it should.

When the story first ran in late June, a few readers left comments on ocregister.com to the effect of, “That’s what she gets for trying to get a date off the Internet.” The truth is, what happened to Jou could have happened to anyone. To your friend, your sister, your daughter. People meeting other people via social networking sites such as MySpace.com or online dating services such as Match.com has become routine – even if there’s a lot of dabble-and-denounce action going on when it comes to Internet dating.

The reality is, meeting someone or going out with someone new – even the old-fashioned, non-Internet way – all boils down to the same thing: You’re going out with a stranger, or at least someone you don’t know well enough to be certain they’re not a threat.

In the past, I’ve always made it a habit to inform at least two girlfriends whenever I had a date with someone new. I give them the guy’s full name, his phone number, when and where we’re supposed to meet (I never want a stranger to know where I live too early on) and any other details about him. I even jot a handwritten note and leave it on the fridge whenever I leave the house late at night for something as little as walking to the grocery store or to my nearest Blockbuster: “It’s a little after 11 p.m. on 8/2/07. Am walking to Ralph’s to get some milk and cereal. Am wearing black jeans, gray jacket with a hood and Chuck Taylors.”

Also, before a date with a guy I don’t know well, I automatically Google him to see if there’s anything I can dig up. Once, I discovered a seemingly nice guy’s blog, which turned out to be completely offensive. In one entry, the guy posted a picture of a pregnant woman eating at his favorite restaurant. Emblazoned across the image was the word “DISGUSTING.” Total winner.

“I found out one of my ex-girlfriends had a DUI after Googling her,” said 28-year-old George Tunea.

“You can find out all kinds of things about someone if you look on the Internet.”

Going beyond Googling also might be wise.

“In this most recent case (with Donna Jou), the guy turned out to be a sex offender. Anyone can check the Megan’s Law sex offender database,” said Jim Amormino, spokesman for the Orange County Sheriff’s Department.

That’s not always a guarantee. The name that Jou’s date gave was an alias.

Another good idea is to have an exit strategy during the date.

Making a quick trip to the bathroom and having a friend call five minutes later with an “urgent family emergency” can be a face-saving way to end any encounter early.

Years ago, I asked a fellow reporter to radio me on the company two-way speaker phone: “Katherine. This is your editor. We need you to cover a, um, breaking news story. Right away!” I stammered some apologies and fled because the evening wasn’t going very well. OK, security wasn’t the issue. The truth was the guy was sweating profusely and had this weird facial twitch.

A guy I know once told me that while on a date with a girl he met on MySpace, her friend showed up to the restaurant an hour later. Apparently, his date had failed to send the friend a text message to let her know that the date was going OK.

“Usually I’ll run to the bathroom during the date to call my best friend and let her know the guy’s not a creep or whatever,” said Andrea Dinh, 27, of Huntington Beach. “She’ll do the same with me. We’ve got each other’s back that way.”

Several guys said dating security is more of an issue for women.

“I don’t have any problem if the girl wants to bring a friend along for the first date if it makes her feel more comfortable,” said M. Kelly Wilt, 28, of Santa Ana. “It’s scary out there for a woman, I understand. Man, if I could have a girl bring in a filled-out (date) application, so I could make sure she was cool too, that would be perfect.”

Many women said they preferred not to go out on dates with people they didn’t know and would rather meet people through friends. Or if they did go out with someone they barely knew, the situation could call for group outings so their friends could meet and check the person out, too.

Wilt and others said sites like Match.com may be less sketchy for finding dates, but a site like Craigslist should never be consulted for romance.

“Don’t search for a guy on Craigslist ever,” said Wilt. “Have you seen those weird, crazy personals on there?”

Dating can vary for every individual.  Some people can bounce back and others are not as lucky.  There are many methods that are available to individuals that are having a hard time getting over their last love.  Mostly it depends on how involved and attached to someone this person was.  After a few weeks, the pain may be easier to deal with.  If a couple were together for years, the hurt and sorrow may linger indefinitely.  No one can say for sure how long it takes to get over a lost love and begin with a new and exciting person.  This may take weeks, months or even years.  Even though, the longer a person is out of the loop the more difficult it will be to get back into the swing of things. An individual does not need to jump back into a serious relationship right away.  Casual dating is a great way to maintain the understanding on how to date.  However, it is completely up to the person who has been dumped.  A heart-break can be damaging to a person’s self-esteem.  It could completely devastate and ruin the mental stability of a person.  If the individual does not know exactly why they were dumped in the first place then it will be difficult to continue with dating.  A person may reevaluate their styles and demeanor.  They must not lay around in self-pity, though.  This will make it even harder to build a new relationship. 

After the depression subsides a little with the support of friends and family, a person needs to go out.  They do not have to be actively looking for a new relationship.  Besides, the best kind of connections is the ones that are not forced.  It is vital to not dwell on the past.  Have some fun by going to a club, a bar or a social gathering.  Making new friends is a great way to find that special individual.  Dating is sometimes overrated.  The normal dating scenes do not work efficiently.  Find a new activity that is enjoyed, take classes or go on a camping trip with a social group.  It is vital to get out and do something entertaining.  The longer an individual sits at home the more comfortable they are in their new surroundings. Individuals are different breeds.  Various types have different desires.  Some people may decide that a few days after a break up is the correct time to journey out.  Others may feel like they do not want to have another potentially harmful encounter for a long time.  It is always a good idea to find the answer inside a person’s heart and mind what they would like to accomplish.  Even though, it is a wise idea to have fun and meet new and interesting people soon after a breakup.  Being dumped is something every person goes through at one point or another in their life.  Do not let this hinder you from getting out there and having fun!