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- HONEY, I’M HOME FOR GOOD: A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE
Centre Times Daily
Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2007

Tensions arise in marriages when a spouse retires
By BILL REED
- The Gazette

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. : He alphabetized her spice rack.
She took it as an act of aggression. What else would you expect? For 33 years, Col. Reo Trail had been in the Air
Force, a distinguished career that included honors in World War II and a stint as commander of the Phu Cat Air Base in Vietnam. He was accustomed to discipline, organization and giving orders.

So when he retired to be with his wife and three kids, he decided he’d bring some order to the home front - and he started in the kitchen.

“The first thing he did was alphabetize my spices,” Martha Trail said.

“I thought that made sense,” he said. She was not amused.

That was 1972, and the Trails’ marriage has survived an additional 35 years since his retirement. But the transition wasn’t easy.

It’s a scenario that’s grown more common: As people retire earlier and live longer, a growing number of spouses are having to learn how to get along when both are home full time. This is especially true in towns like Colorado Springs, Colo., where the military makes early retirement a more popular option.

The recent rise in “gray divorces” - divorces among couples ages 40 to 80 - proves that a new chapter in life doesn’t always have a happy ending.

“Some of the people I see, I think: `They’re not going to work this out without counseling,’” said Mary Ann Cook, a “spouse in the house” coach from Colorado Springs, Colo. “It’s what married couples always go through, but it’s exacerbated because you’re together all the time.”

Define the problem

Cook has heard it all, from “We have nothing to talk about after all these years” to “I can’t stand the way he breathes. I can hear him all over the house!”

Cook began giving workshops on how to deal with a spouse in the house after her husband began to work at home 15 years ago. An accountant who worked long hours, her husband came home one day with a fax machine in tow and
announced he’d be home for good. Cook dropped the meatloaf she was holding, and glass and ground beef splattered across her kitchen.

At first, the work-at-home mother and writer admits, she taught the classes to get out of the house. After commiserating with otherwives and collecting stories from her workshops, she wrote the book “Honey, I’m Home for Good!”
(published by Focus on the Family in 2003) to dispense humor and advice to retirees and couples who work from home.

“Just sharing their stories in the class can help them feel better,” she said. “At least they know they’re not alone.”

The big issues are privacy and control, but the practical issues are who answers the phone, who gets the TV remote, who buys the groceries and who controls the thermostat.

The women also feel smothered by husbands who come home and expect to be waited on. They complain about their husbands being underfoot and getting in their business.

Sorry fellas, but after listening to hundreds of stories, Cook has never once heard from a wife who wished she could spend more time with her retired husband.

“I have never heard `I want to do something with him and he’s always off with his friends,’” she said. “Some men have said after reading my book they’re never going to retire. They had thought their wives would be thrilled to have them home.”

When her husband came home full time, Cook thought she needed to look as if she were working hard. They fought over her chatting on the phone with friends, and she started carrying around a broom just to seem busy.

Find solutions

Cook said her perspective started to change as she taught workshops to other women, and to the men who came with them.

Husbands said things such as, “I came home and I wanted to help her out, but everything I’d do she’d tell me I was doing wrong.”

Many couples had the same problem as the Trails with the alphabetized spice rack: He thought he was being helpful. She thought he was invading her territory, and perhaps indicting the way she’d been running the house.

Cook said she realized that communicating clearly was the linchpin to getting along better. Most men and women can’t read minds. Couples need to talk about exactly what they expect from each other.

“If you’re not honest about these things bugging you, you just get bitter,” Cook said. “Then you lash out and the person doesn’t know what hit them.”

Cook, who was so annoyed when her husband always asked when she’d be home as she left the house, instead asked him why he wanted to know. She thought he wanted to control her, but the truth was her friends were constantly calling
and asking “When will she be home?” She was relieved to discover she didn’t need to rush home at an appointed time; he was relieved that she didn’t expect him to serve as her secretary.

“Now it’s like, `Gee, he doesn’t even care if I leave,’” she said jokingly.

Cook also has an easy solution for men who demand to be waited on hand and foot, a common problem in older generations. “I say, just don’t do it. Teach him how to make a cup of coffee. Teach him to make toast.”

Cook walks her students through the ABCs: accept the reality, better the situation, and then learn to cherish the time together.

The Trails said that is wisdom they’ve gained on their own through the years. They discovered practical steps such as giving each other space and time away. They created a den in the basement that Reo could decorate and use as an escape. As for hobbies, he fixes up vintage cars, clocks and
watches, while Martha is passionate about her garden.

Reo, 86, said these days he is grateful simply to have time together with his wife.

Cook said that is profound; the change from griping to grateful changes everything.

“You have the opportunity to make this such a good time in your life, and you don’t want to waste it fighting over territory,” Cook said. “You don’t know how many years you have left together.”

10 tips

How to live with a retired (or work-at-home) spouse, from “Honey, I’m Home for Good!” by Mary Ann Cook:

1. Form an open and honest partnership.

2. Help your spouse feel welcome and comfortable in the home.

3. Communicate clearly, keeping in mind your mate’s personality.

4. Consider your mate’s needs and desires, not just your own.

5. Look for the humor in every situation.

6. Speak kindly and respectfully to each other.

7. Provide escape hatches for the rough times.

8. Stay active with separate and joint pastimes.

9. Make time for yourself and don’t feel guilty.

10. Count your blessings and record them in a gratitude journal. (You should include good things about the spouse who is bugging you.)

THE MARRIAGE GAP MEDIA HYPE WRONG PERIL
The New York Post
By CHRISTINE B. WHELAN

November 16, 2007 — MAJOR news outlets are once again scaring smart, accomplished women into believing that they’re doomed to be old maids because they intimidate men. This old saw makes great headlines - but it’s dead wrong. It also distracts from the real problems facing the American
family: Male or female, those with good educations and big paychecks do well in the marriage market - while those without degrees or career success are increasingly unlucky in love.

In 1970, women married around age 21; 68 women enrolled in college per 100 men - and the more education a woman had, the less likely she was to get married. Academic articles of the time routinely reported that women were more attracted to high-status men, whom they saw as “providers,” whereas men were attracted to pretty and docile women, whom they perceived as “motherly” and fertile.

But then a historic shift began: Today, women marry around age 26, make up a significant majority of college classes - about 135 women will graduate for every 100 men - and a woman’s educational achievements increase her chances
of marriage. Recent studies show that today’s young men find a woman’s success to be an aphrodisiac.

This translates into positive marriage statistics for educated women. As part of the Current Population Survey, the Census Bureau looked at this issue in its March interviews of 50,000 U.S. households: Among 35- to 39-year-old women, some 88 percent with advanced degrees have married, versus 81 percent of women without college degrees.

Despite these changes, the conventional wisdom remains that men are less interested in educated or successful women - and the media fuel this concern by publicizing small studies that support out-of-date gender norms.

A recent speed-dating study from Columbia University garnered national attention for its finding that men prefer beautiful, smart women, but are less interested in women that they believe to be smarter than themselves. (Cue the old saw, “Men don’t make passes/ At girls who wear glasses.”)

Missing from all the attention was a key caveat: This research was conducted on 400 graduate students. In other words, its significance pales in comparison to the marriage data collected on the 50,000 Americans covered in the Current Population Survey - data that tell very much the opposite story.

Times have changed, but the reporting on the Columbia study once again played into the fears of ambitious women nationwide about their chances of career and personal success. The New York Times’ Maureen Dowd devoted a
column to it, perhaps because it confirms the (mistaken) thesis of her recent book.

All this hype sends the wrong message about women’s prospects. Young women can pursue their education and career goals and stay confident in their odds of marriage.

Equally bad: All this media focus on the odds of marriage for
college-educated women detracts from some real issues facing our families: America is rapidly becoming a nation of marriage “haves” and “have-nots.”

The “haves” are college graduates, who are marrying at higher rates and divorcing at lower rates than the rest of the population. The “have-nots” are those with a high-school degree or less, who are more likely to cohabitate than marry, more likely to have children outside of wedlock - and stand a higher risk of divorce if they do take their vows.

It’s high time we stopped making accomplished women worry for no reason - and focused our attention on educating the next generation about the value of a college degree, the importance of marriage and the possibilities for both men and women of a healthy combination of career and family life.

Christine B. Whelan is the author of “Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women” and a visiting assistant professor in the sociology department at the University of Iowa.

No matter what culture or country you live in, it is the same!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wives want to hear their husbands say three magic phrases more often:  ’Thank you,’ ‘Sorry’ and ‘I love you.’
Shuichi Amano, a 55-year-old magazine editor in Fukuoka and founder of the National Teishu-Kampaku Association, a group he started in 1999 to help save marriages. The association brings members together to exchange experiences about marriage.

1) Bring a small gift for the hosting family.  A hostess gift expresses both your pleasure and your thanks for the host’s effort because it takes a lot of work to put on a party.

A bottle of wine might make a nice gift, but not everyone drinks, she said. Other ideas include hand cream, fragrant candles and lovely cocktail napkins, a best selling book, or a nice spice like saffron. The gift need not be expensive - $5-10 - but it should be nicely wrapped or have a pretty bow on it.

2)  Plan ahead and have a designated driver: If the host or hostess have to babysit you, you very well may be off the guest list next year … you become a bit of an annoyance.

3) Have a good time, but limit the alcohol: Remember, Santa is still watching and alcohol blunders are seldom forgotten.

Remember that if you’re tired or haven’t eaten, it will affect you more. I always tell people, go home, invite some friends over and get completely inebriated if that’s what you want to do.  Just do it at YOUR house. 

That’s your homework. Now you know your absolute limit and then work backwards.

People often feel more comfortable with a drink in hand. but that drink doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol. Sparkling water with ice and a twist of lime also looks perfectly in place at a cocktail party.

4) Avoid the blunders at a buffet table:

Don’t snack over the buffet table while standing there. Share your spirit, not your spit. Put your food on a small plate or napkin and eat AWAY from the buffet.

5) Don’t cut completely loose:  Be remembered as the perfect guest, not the ‘lampshade wearing-dancing on the table’ guest.

Sure, be wild within your circle of friends. But have some restraint with people you will be doing business with or when you are at someone else’s dinner or cocktail party. It seems that the lampshade wearing guests are remembered for a long, long, long time.  Probably longer than you would like to be remembered for!

6) Don’t complain about the food: When attending a dinner party, be extremely cautious about making negative comments about the menu.  You don’t have to eat everything but you also don’t want to ruin it for others. 

Fussy eaters or those that are on a special diet can eat something prior to attending.  We know that only your mommy knows exactly how you like things prepared but that doesn’t earn you the right to be umpleasant.

People with unique dietary restrictions dues to culture, religion, personal preferences or allergies, can let the host know ahead of time. In the case of say, vegans, avoid telling people what you don’t eat. Tell them what you do eat. And remember, the main reason you go to a party is not for the food, it’s for the people and conversations.  So fill up and get drunk on people, not food.

7) Take time for personal grooming:  It tells others that you consider that they were important enough to make the effort.

For men, they should remember to shower. Don’t take the ‘Polo spray shower’, either.  No one wants to be overwhelmed with scent, especially if some have allergies. Then you’ll find people avoiding you. Go a little light on the perfume or cologne.

Take the time to dress up and your effort will be apparent and reflect on you favourably.

Women should be very aware of the choices they make in what they’re wearing or not wearing.  Translation: Don’t show too much leg or bosom and NEVER both!

8) Plug into your company’s culture regarding gift giving:  You don’t want to be the only one without a gift. What do people do here? Do we all pitch in for the boss?

9) Share your Christmas spirit, not your germs:  Share your tissue, cough into your elbow, and wash your hands frequently.  We do a lot of hugging and shaking of hands during the Christmas season. Don’t be remembered as the person who gave everyone the cold.

10) Remember non-Christian friends and those who don’t celebrate Christmas:  Remember we all welcome the spirit of kindness and good cheer, so share it with them.

That might mean not sending them a Christmas card, but a season’s greeting or a blank card, instead. Not giving them anything makes them feel excluded. But don’t give them Santa earrings. You don’t want to exclude but you also don’t want to impose.

Waco couple sharing 28 years of love letters with Oprah                     Wednesday, November 14, 2007

By Wendy Gragg, Tribune-Herald staff writer

Patricia and Alton Hassell have been writing their love story, day by day, for nearly 28 years. Today they’ll tell that story to the world.

The Hassells, both Baylor University professors, will be featured on Oprah Winfrey’s show today, sharing how they have kept the romance alive in their 40-year marriage by writing love letters to each other every day for almost
28 years.

If we can help other people find this level of communication, it’s worth (it), Alton said.

Patricia sent a simple two-sentence e-mail to Oprah last May answering the question of how to keep a love alive. Last week, Oprah’s producers invited the two to tell their story on the show.

Patricia, 60, and Alton, 62, fell in love while studying at Baylor and married in 1968, before their senior year. The married couple wrote sporadic love letters to each other, but Alton decided in 1980 they should up the ante and commit to a daily practice of it. Patricia, busy with their
2-year-old son and eight months pregnant with their second child, was unsure about the daily commitment.

I looked at him and thought, “He has got to be crazy,” she said.

They kept turning out the letters, though, through good and bad.

Some of our letters were sent by airmail, Patricia said, as she mimed tossing a notebook across the room.

And some letters have become family heirlooms, like those they wrote in the labor and delivery room when Patricia was about to give birth to their daughter Sharina. On the day of Sharina’s wedding, Patricia and Alton gave her those letters from the day of her birth.

“She was all puddles of tears,” Patricia said.

Today, the stack of spiral notebooks they’ve written in is taller than Patricia and weighs more than 100 pounds.

The Hassells have a pattern for their daily love notes. In the first part, they talk about their day because that affects the tone of the letter, Patricia said. The second part is “I love you today because . . .” And for the third part, Patricia and Alton alternate assigning a question of the
day. Sometimes the question topic is as simple as plans for the weekend. The question that makes Patricia cry every time is, “If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?”

Every night before bed, they write their letters and then exchange and discuss them.

The letters play an important role in their relationship as a line of communication that is always open, Alton said. The letters insist they still communicate, even when mad. And the letters bring things out into the open that might not have been said.

“You always have that line of communication, even if it’s the only thing you say to each other all day,” he said.

Along with the letters, the two also have a date every Friday night and surprise each other with ‘just cause’ gifts. Alton, a chemistry professor, said he’s too conservative to make a very good romantic, but his words say otherwise.

“I don’t think marriage is a science at all  it’s probably more of an art,” he said. “It takes both of you, committing to the marriage, both of you making the decision to love.”

Patricia said after 40 years and two children, she is still learning about her husband and best friend through his letters. She scoffs at the women who once told her the spark would die after a couple of years.

“I said at my wedding shower, ‘Oh, I never want the romance to end’ and it hasn’t,” she said.

Does your partner behave in unusual ways that make you wonder what is going on?

Often we hear that one of the partners in a marital or love relationship abuses the other person. This abuse can take many forms and may be physical, mental, emotional or psychological. It is a common misconception that a person who abuses another is supposed to be male, big in size, drunkard, unshaven and the like. This might be the case sometimes, but an abuser comes in many forms and both sexes. An abuser can appear to be as normal as any other person until you start seeing the signs that can help one to identify an abuser.

The most important concern of the abuser is the need to control others. He or she tries to control different aspects like your thoughts, desires, how you dress, even your employment and your choice in the case of making friends, your actions, how are you supposed to spend your time, etc. They want to know where you are at every moment and try ultimately to separate you from your family and friends so that they are not able to protect you.

The other important thing is that the abuser is always very critical of their target. They may criticize the target in every aspect like the appearance, in the choice of friends, in the way of speaking, etc. However, this concern is often disguised in the form of concern or love. Often the abuser criticizes less in the beginning of your relationship and as the target gets more and more committed the abuser starts controlling his or her entire life.

One thing that the abuser always tries to do is to shut the abused person from the outside world. They will continually tell the partner that their family and friends are harming them in some way or the other and in this way they try to take the target away from others that love and care for them. Often, the abuser also takes their target out of town or state or even country so that they are not able to meet their family and friends and so in this way their contact would be minimal and so the abuser will be able to maintain a strict control as well. The abuser is also very jealous about their target. They will constantly keep asking the others how they spend their free time and with whom and what all they talked about etc. Sometimes, they might ask for the details to prove their truthfulness as well and they will declare that this is all because of their deep, abiding love and concern for their partner.

Some of the additional characteristics of the abusive personality are that the abuser is also filled with a deep internal rage. He or she would never accept the responsibility for anything that happens in their lives but instead will blame all the others around them. They develop a habit of fighting and making up often. In short, they develop such a kind of behavior that it creates a sense of confusion in the mind of the target. In marriages, the abuse can be physical as well, where the person pressures you to act in a violent or forceful manner during sex. A male abuser may find the idea of rape exciting.

A male abuser often sees women as being inferior to men. He feels that a woman is not complete without a relationship and that she is completely dependent on him. Using degrading remarks and saying hurtful and cruel things is also a form of abuse in a relationship. Therefore, it becomes very difficult to live with a person with an abusive personality. You need to be able to recognize the signs of an abuser and get out of that relationship as quickly as possible if you see it happening.

If you are already married and it takes place, marital counseling (even if it is only you going) is mandatory!

Do you want to feel closer to your husband or boyfriend?  Then get out the vacuum. 

If the both of you share household chores, the chances of having a happy relationship or marriage are increased.  In a survey of over 2,000 people by the Pew Research Center, taking responsibility for housework came in third–behind faithfulness and a spicy sex life–as a key to marital success.

Splitting up duties is about more than a spotless house.  It’s more about knowing that your spouse or boyfriend is willing to shoulder some housework so that you don’t have to.  Get together as a team, clean up the house and then reward yourselves with Mexican food and margaritas.

Or…you could don a French maid outfit and you wouldn’t even have to ask him to help you clean!

1. Visualize and “act as if” each person you meet really ‘gets you’ - in other words, really understands you.
2. Make a decision to make each person you meet feel really comfortable.  This will alleviate any nervousness you’re feeling.  Think of yourself as a gracious, charming host/hostess wherever you are.
3. For the next 30 days concentrate on really liking the opposite sex-thinking of each one as a safe ally.
4. Become your own best cheerleader and your own best friend - this will aid you towards ‘flourishing’ in a relationship, not ‘needing’ a relationship.
5. Always speak well of your family & friends-conversely avoid a partner who speakers poorly of their friends and family.
6. The most exciting person to be around is the person who is excited about their life-be positive and optimistic about YOUR life.
7. Look for commonalities, not differences-if we all knew what our ‘type’ was, we wouldn’t be alone.  Look for similarities, enjoy contrasts and be more open-minded.
8. Never give up all your friends and outside interests for your partner.  It’s important to keep the multi-dimensional features that made you attractive initially.
9. Treat your partner with kindness & respect.  Never take each other for granted-be best friends.
10. Develop and demonstrate a real interest and support for your partner’s career, friends & family.
11. Your partner need not know everything about you.  Keep a little mystique.
12. Get in the habit of always putting your partner in the very best light-give them the benefit of the doubt and concentrate on what works, not on what doesn’t work.
13. Minimize arguments and confrontations by avoiding the blaming word ‘you’ as in “you made me late for work.”  Rather, use ‘building bridges’ words as in “let’s figure out a new way to manage our morning schedules.”  Think and act as a team.
14. Avoid treating your partner like a child, no one wants another mother.  They are not your project!
15. Laugh.  Together. A lot.

Are you one of those people that get depressed at the end of a weekend since they feel that good things are coming to an end and the workweek dullness is about to start.  And try to remember that everyone feels this way once in a while.

• Brood for 10 minutes.  Spend 10 minutes on Sunday nite thinking about how sad it is that the weekend is coming to a close and then move on.  That’s all the time you get to brood and gloom.  Seems like the longer you think about something sad, the longer you are depressed.
• Take Action.  Do something constructive–take a walk, have a nice dinner, read a good book,etc.  Have something fun to look forward to.
• Use Your Friendships.  Meet some friends for coffee or dinner.  Talk about happy things, the future and get some good vibes going so that all can leave in a good mood.
• Copy the Good Times.  If you did something really fun over the weekend, plan to do it again even if it is lasagna and a good movie.  Plan something for midweek so that you have something to look forward to.
• Plan the Upcoming Week.  Instead of worrying about the upcoming week, make a list of all the things you need to get done.  Hopefully this will make the upcoming week seem more manageable. 

Write down the chores and the good things you have to look forward to the next week.  Figure out ways if you can to delegate some chores to others and be sure to make time for yourself.