www.Hot-Firefighters.com

Here is a remarkably easy way to take the anger out of arguments. . . Always use the future tense.

1. Language using the past and present often focuses on who is right or wrong.  The present tense, for instance, is perfect for name-calling (”You’re acting like an adolescent”) and sermonizing (”You have no right to speak to me that way”).  It’s an efficient way to drive each other mad.
2. Choose the past tense for a forensic investigation of who left an empty milk bottle in the fridge.  It’s also terrific for bringing up ancient atrocities.  (”Remember when I suggested ballroom dance lessons and you signed us up for computer programming?”)
3. The future tense puts the focus on choices and what’s to your mutual advantage.  (”Yes, I know a man has needs.  But how will buying a Porsche help us put Charlotte through college?”)  Even if you don’t win, you’re more likely to keep a cool head.  Instead of one of you coming out “right” and the other feeling infuriated, you have only best guesses–decisions you make together.

MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP DEBUTS ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL OCT 24

Marriage Boot Camp is All About Love
Dallas Morning News
Oct 9, 2007
Jake Batsell

Marriage Boot Camp has drawn thousands to area seminars, and it is about to be on TV

PLANO: ­ Five couples amble into a meeting room, take their seats and anxiously eye one another as Joe Cocker’s scratchy voice belts out an urgent plea:

“Love lift us up where we belong.”

Over the next four days, these couples will try everything from blindfolded dodge ball to group revelations in hopes of improving their marriages. An army of facilitators in dark suits ­ both men and women ­ will lead a regimen of intense, sometimes confrontational drills that diverge sharply from traditional marriage therapy.

“They’re going to stay in your face,” camp director David Bishop says. “We’re going to be targeting hot spots in your marriage.”

Mr. Bishop and the camp’s founder, Jim Carroll of Richardson, don’t claim to be licensed therapists ­ Mr. Bishop is a retired Dallas firefighter; Mr. Carroll, a security company executive.

But the duo’s program of tough-love drills, competitions, games and interventions has drawn nearly 3,000 people to seminars in Plano and Richardson since 2002.

Later this month, their methods will gain even more exposure when the reality TV show Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel.

There’s the Parachute, an exercise in which spouses on a doomed plane must decide which one will live. Or the drill where spouses swing giant foam noodles to “beat” undesirable qualities out of one another.

Other exercises put campers on the spot in front of the group, including forgiveness drills that force spouses to confront painful moments.

In advance footage of the television show provided by the network, Mr. Carroll and Mr. Bishop single out a couple grappling with infidelity.

“Is it OK what you did?” Mr. Carroll asks the woman as dozens of others look on.

“No, it’s not OK,” she replies, grasping her husband’s hands. “But I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it because I was hurting. I’m truly sorry I hurt you. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.” It’s rough.

Organizers say such emotionally intense drills distinguish the boot camp from a crowded field of marriage seminars and retreats. They say they give couples fair warning that the boot camp won’t be gentle.

“You tell them ahead of time, ‘Hey, we’re going to be rough and tough. You’re probably going to hate us,’ ” Mr. Carroll said. “If they know to expect that, then they roll with the punches.”

But organizers say the success of their blunt approach is evident in a constant stream of referrals by program graduates. And while the boot camp stopped keeping follow-up statistics last year, Mr. Bishop said 16 of the 18 couples filmed for the show last fall are still together.

“We don’t counsel,” Mr. Bishop added. “We don’t give advice. They find their own answers as they’re going through these games and drills.”

Both directors say the boot camp is shaped in part by their own divorces and their experience with Christian ministry groups. But the seminar is nondenominational, and its alumni include atheists, Muslims and same-sex couples.

Mr. Carroll, who once trained under celebrity psychologist Phil McGraw, began developing the program five years ago during his honeymoon with his current wife.

He held the first boot camp in Plano in September 2002. Ever since, people have been flying in to attend the seminars from as far away as Africa, often sponsored by previous attendees.
 

‘Exposed’

Angie and Jared Zuniga had separated several times before they volunteered to be filmed for the show.

When the Zunigas drove up to Richardson last year from Leander, an Austin suburb, both expected that they would end up divorcing after the seminar.

“This was the very last thing on the list that we hadn’t tried yet,” Ms. Zuniga said.

Mr. Zuniga said the boot camp helped him resolve personal issues that other forms of therapy couldn’t fix. Camp leaders constantly turned the tables by forcing him to account for his own behavior rather than blaming his wife.

“It just exposed who I am, 100 percent,” he said. “I would not be married today if it wasn’t for that.”

Keith Hammond, a retired Marine master sergeant who lives in Allen, said the boot camp’s four-day progression of drills allows attendees to delve deeply into personal pain that may be hurting their marriages.

“The problem with typical counseling is, you just don’t get enough time to get into the meat of what you need to resolve before the time is up,” said Mr. Hammond, a boot camp graduate who now works as a facilitator. “You don’t have the kind of intensity over a period of time, like the boot camp affords.” Not therapy, therapeutic Leon Ashley Peek, a Denton psychologist who works with divorcing couples, said boot-camp-style seminars can be helpful if they spur couples to communicate better with each other.

But if a spouse is suffering from depression or another serious mental illness, Dr. Peek said, it’s best to seek out a trained mental health professional rather than a seminar led by lay counselors.

“This stuff isn’t therapy,” he said.

Prospective participants should be aware that all-consuming programs like the boot camp can trigger deep-seated emotions, said James Campbell Quick, a University of Texas at Arlington professor who specializes in stress management.

“You can have problems break out or surprise you,” Dr. Quick said.

Mr. Carroll acknowledges that the boot camp is not therapy and that its leaders “have no titles, no paperwork, nothing behind our names.” But he said the seminar’s intensive format leads to breakthroughs that couples can’t achieve in traditional therapy.

“We think counseling’s good, but if you go to counseling, it’s almost like you have to start over every session,” he said. “And then the counselor really can’t get into people’s faces, because they won’t go back to the counselor anymore.”

Maryanne Watson, a Plano psychologist who refers clients to the boot camp, said the seminar is “not therapy, but it’s therapeutic.”

“There’s so much feeling and intensity, they really rebond,” Dr. Watson said. “They also get rid of a lot of anger.”

Follow-through

The success of any marriage seminar depends on how well couples follow through once they get home, Dr. Peek said.

“It’s easy to get together and get all gung-ho about being a good communicator and telling your partner what you feel,” Dr. Peek said. “But to get that to transfer so you do it at home is much more valuable.”

The Zunigas said they’ve been able to maintain the momentum since turning the corner during last year’s filming.

“It’s more like two best friends who love each other and know they’re going to be together forever,” Mr. Zuniga said. “Those little problems that comeup, they’re just kind of trivial.”

ABOUT THE SEMINAR
The Marriage Boot Camp, held monthly at Plano Centre, costs $600 a person for a four-day workshop and $400 a person for an evening-only workshop. For more information, visit www.marriagebootcamp.com.

ABOUT THE TV SHOW
Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel (TLC) at 6 p.m. Oct. 24.

CHECK IT OUT! 

CNN ROLAND MARTIN COMMENTARY: SAVING MARRIAGES MUST BE A NATIONAL PRIORITY

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/24/roland.martin/

PLEASE add your comment.

In case you can’t get there (some of you seem to have trouble with links) I’ll include the commentary here, even though I do hope you’ll visit the site and leave your comments. Marriage and relationships take work as we all know!!!
Commentary: Saving marriages must be a national priority

Story Highlights

• Martin: More couples seem unwilling to make a marriage work
• Martin: Many have accepted false notion that marriage should be perfect
• Martin: America was built on the back of strong familiesBy Roland S. Martin
  CNN Contributor
  October 24, 2007

(CNN) — Americans are always good at touting an issue as a state of emergency in order to establish a sense of urgency. And there are any number that we could highlight — HIV/AIDS, gun violence, drug addiction — but one that should be added to the list is that of the divorce rate in this nation.

Various studies show that at least half of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce, and if you remarry, those figures grow exponentially. For some reason, Americans are either getting married for the wrong reasons or are not making the effort to spend more time working on their marriages to save them, and instead, run to divorce court at the first sign of trouble.

I can speak from experience on this issue — I was divorced after six years of marriage in 1999. The idea to shut down the marriage wasn’t mine. My wife said she wanted out, and then as now, I felt the reasons cited were easy to overcome, if two people were willing to actually make it work. And in fact, I refused to sign the papers unless language was cited that I didn’t agree
with the divorce. Why? Like I told her, if someone in the future did research on me and came across that public document, then they would see my true feelings on the matter.

I’ve since remarried and thoroughly enjoy the six-year relationship with my wife, Jacquie, and both of us have made it our commitment to help other couples sustain and grow their marriages through leading and teaching marriage seminars and workshops at various churches across the country.

This notion of a national initiative to get Americans discussing our marital woes — and how to fix them — really hit home again this weekend when I saw the movie, Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?”

It’s the story of eight college friends who gather for one week a year, and we get to see the marriage drama that each of one of them go through. One couple is constantly arguing over any little issue; another appears to be strong on the outside but is grieving on the inside over the death of their child in an accident; one couple fights the workaholic nature of the wife and the sexual fits her husband has to endure; while another speaks to a husband who is cheating on his wife with her best friend because his wife has put on a lot of weight, and she has to deal with not being loved.

The movie was such a hit that two weeks ago it was number one at the box office, garnering $16 million, and was number two last week.

What resonated so much was that these were ordinary couples who go through the ups and downs that so many marriages face. I don’t want to give away everything about the movie, but in the end, one of the marriages can’t be saved. But the great thing is that the couples faced some serious issues, and didn’t take off at the first sign of trouble. They fought (verbally),
argued, disagreed, but in the end, recognized that the marriage vows they professed for one another on their wedding day came true — to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

I strongly believe that for too many of us, we’ve accepted the notion that marriage will be perfect; that we won’t endure trials and tribulations. But that isn’t true. In fact, where is that ever true than in someone’s fantasy life? What’s amazing to me is that when faced with difficulty on the job, so many of us will buckle down and work harder to prove ourselves worthy to
keep that job. But at home, we’d rather leave, even if that means putting our kids through a divorce.

As I suggest in the six essays on marriage in my book,”Listening to the Spirit Within,” if you’re in a marriage where someone is physically abusing you and your life is being threatened, by all means leave. But we can’t be afraid of going outside the marriage to get counseling, whether spiritual or secular. You may have grown up and watched your parents divorce, and that
pain is still there, and you may see it being repeated in your relationship. Trust me, it can work.

But couples must be willing to confront themselves. Maybe your idea of marriage is “I-my” and it should be “we-us-our.” Maybe you see your spouse as more of a roommate, co-habitating in a space where you pay half the bills and he or she pays the other half.

America wasn’t just built on the idea of strong ideals. It was also
constructed on the back of strong families. But today, these families are being splintered and broken up for a variety of reasons, including our selfishness and unwillingness to confront our problems and to compromise.

Is it you I’m speaking to? Are you in the position where your marriage is crumbling before your very eyes? If so, take action today. Don’t let divorce end it all. Remember, your trial today could eventually be your testimony tomorrow.

Roland S. Martin is a nationally award-winning journalist and CNN
contributor. Martin is studying to receive his master’s degree in Christian communications at Louisiana Baptist University, and he is the author of “Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith.” You can read more of his columns at http://www.rolandsmartin.com/.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.

Every once in a while, you just know that you’ve had a life changing conversation with someone.  I just had just such a conversation with a young person that works for me.

The girl rushed breathlessly up to Kate saying how nervous she was. She was just about to go on a second date with a new boyfriend. After listening and chatting for a while, Kate asked her,  is he marriageable ? The girl stopped dead in her tracks, wide-eyed and at a loss for words. The question seemed out of place, talking about marriage when they had only just met.”What do you mean ?” she asked,  “how can you possibly tell ?” “Well ,” said Kate,  “observe things, the way he is. Is he polite, kind, generous, encouraging, truthful? Does he apologize? Is he rude, belittling? Use your radar!”

“But I don’t believe in marriage “, she recoiled. “Why ever not?” asked Kate gently. “It’s just a piece of paper ,” she replied. “You want to be very careful ,” warned Kate. “People that lose out most are those who find themselves drifting into living together with someone who may not have planned the long term future together that you have in mind. People often move in together because it’s convenient. You may feel committed. But this may not be what he is thinking. You need to be sure that this guy is marriageable. If he isn’t, ask yourself: what am I doing with him?” And so the conversation continued with the girl obviously intrigued and engaged by this new way of looking at her new boyfriend.

The question “Is he marriageable ?” is the exact question I have always encouraged my own teenage daughters to ask of their potential future boyfriends. Although they rip me to shreds about it ­ “Oh dad!” ­ they know it is the fundamental question they must ask for themselves. It doesn’t mean they have to get married. It just means they won’t end up wasting their time with a loser.

Kate’s conversation with her work colleague shows how a number of important threads in the latest marriage education and research can be brought together in an everyday encounter. People who marry are more likely to stay together and be happier. It’s not the piece of paper, it’s the attitudes that marriage represents. The decision to commit as a couple with a
long-term future appears especially important to men. Drifting into a cohabiting relationship can make it hard to exit if things aren’t what you’d hoped for. Men in particular are less likely to commit or sacrifice for the sake of the relationship if they haven’t made a clear decision about their future. Living together is simply not enough, even if you have a mortgage and baby. Nearly one in two unmarried parents split before their child’s fifth birthday.

As well as all the excellent characteristics that Kate pointed out, I would therefore also suggest her colleague look for signs that he is both decisive and willing to give up his own interests for her sake. Reliable love requires commitment, which is all about long-term time horizon, clear decisions or intentionality, and willingness to sacrifice.

My main suggestion for women starting out with a new boyfriend is “SAY NO (to moving in) UNTIL HE SAYS YES (to a long-term future)”.

There was obviously a lot more to Kate’s conversation at work. But Kate knows that every time this girl looks at her new boyfriend from now on, she will be sizing him up in a completely different way. “Oh Kate ,” she said rather sheepishly at the end of the conversation. “I’m really nervous now. You’re making me think marriage is a good idea !”

Reading a bedtime story (sexy short stories are always good) or poetry to your  sweetheart in bed.

Putting your hand on your  sweetheart’s leg while taking a  drive or rubbing their necks.

Have you ever noticed to what lengths the members of the animal kingdom goes to to attract and woo a potential mate to partner with?  The male species is usually the more attractive of the two (unlike the human species…written like a true female!).  The male peacock, for example, will unfurl their huge beautiful feathers and ruffle them repeatedly to attract the female who merely glances over at their feeble attempts at times.  This plays out the same time and time again in the animal kingdom!

We in the human species do much the same things at times.  Flirting is usually the first thing we do to attract someone to us regardless of whether you are a man or woman!  Smiling, glancing over repeatedly, brushing up against them are all forms of flirting that are trying to covey to someone that they find them interesting and would like to get to know them better.  Flirting, however, is the beginning stage of courtship and sometimes, people that are in a committed relationship or are married forget this. 

Thinking that flirting can always be harmless is a BIG mistake!  How many times have you woken up with a firm resolve to begin your excercise program today and a friend calls you up to go out to breakfast and your plans are thrown out the window until tomorrow.  Sometimes, even though we have the best intentions, they can go awry and lead to other things we hadn’t really anticipated.

Harmless flirting can start out that way but end you up in a predicament you hadn’t really anticipated and ruin the great thing you already have.  If you are already in a relationship, you probably should skip the flirting unless it is with your partner!

JAMIE PAPPASSUN The Sun Herald

The results are in, and the people have spoken. Once again, firefighter is at the top of the list in the annual AOL/Salary.com sexiest jobs survey.

Our brave firefighters had some tough competition for the spot this year though, sharing the honors with the silver-spooned CEO, whose median salary of more than $600,000 seems to be compounding interest not only in the bank, but also with the ladies.

In the two male-dominated fields (more than 97 percent of firefighters and 96 percent of CEOs nationally are men), the fact that number one was a tie between the altruistic, brawny fireman and the bring-home-the-bacon CEO speaks volumes about what we find sexiest in men.

But are these jobs really sexy?

“Firefighting - no, it’s not a sexy job,” said Gulfport Fire Department battalion chief Dean Morrow. “We are here to do a job, provide a service, be helpful. Like during Katrina, our guys were chomping at the bit, because they knew there were people out there needing help and they wanted to get to it. Firemen really want to go the extra mile to help. There is a danger factor, but no matter who you are, if you make a successful rescue, that’s your high.”

Come on - bravery, dependability, compassion and humility all make for pretty heady stuff in the sex appeal department.

“It’s true that when we arrive on the scene, we are all about helping them. If that makes us sexy, so be it,” said Morrow’s co-worker, Carl Washington.

And then there is the physique. Clearly, not every fireman in America has abs of steel, yet all must maintain a certain level of “fireman fitness,” a combination of strength, aerobic conditioning and endurance. There’s strong incentive to stay in shape.

“Our lives depend on it,” said Gulfport Fire Department engineer Ryan Carter. Firefighter II Greg Landry said he doesn’t believe the job itself is sexy but admits firemen may have a sentimental sex appeal.

“Chivalry isn’t dead. It is a chance to sometimes be a hero, to ride in like a knight in shining armor,” Landry said.

Why does Morrow think firefighters are considered sexy?

“Firemen are like comfort food; there when you need us,” Morrow said.

While the jobs of the fireman, CEO, doctor, pilot and soldier highlight masculine ideals, the traditionally female fields noted in the survey conjure images of feminine beauty and attentive caring.

Despite the results, emergency triage nurse Holly Arnoult said she thinks the survey was way off the mark when it placed nurse as one of the sexiest jobs for 2006.

“It’s a very rewarding job, but it’s not sexy, not unless you think dealing with blood, germs and bodily functions is sexy,” Arnoult said. “The nurses I know are trying to do their very best, but sometimes they are stretched so thin, taking care of eight or 10 patients, and they don’t get a lot of credit for it. We do it because it is rewarding when you feel like you’ve helped someone. But the sexy job thing, the bed bath jokes, gosh no.”

If the job is so demanding, thankless, and decidedly unglamorous, why is the nurse perennially perceived as sexy?

Arnoult says one reason may be because nurses have to be educated. Smart is sexy.

“Then there’s the ‘take care of me’ thing. People like to be taken care of,” she said, adding people find it sexy knowing that nurses are willing and able to mend their ills and make them feel better, even if that takes time.

Hollywood may play an even bigger role in the public perception. Soap operas and popular television programs such as “Grey’s Anatomy,” “House,” “Scrubs” and “ER” are keen to show doctors and nurses portrayed by beautiful actors and actresses, racing against the clock to heroically save lives. Inevitably, the camera cuts to a steamy kissing scene in a hospital linen closet before the next commercial break.

“It’s dramatized, and the mundane aspects are edited out on television,” Arnoult said.

Television viewers see lots of romance and adrenaline-fueled drama, but no paperwork, no cleanup, and really very few sick people.

“I would love to be a TV nurse, but that’s not realistic, not any of it,” added Arnoult.

When television viewers aren’t watching medical dramas, ratings indicate they might be tuned in to home improvement reality shows such as “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” and “Trading Spaces,” or the HGTV network, where interior designers are seen strutting their stylish stuff on the small screen daily.

Gail Lowry, ASID, of Gail Lowry Interiors says she understands why the public may view interior design, which also made the Top 10, as a sexy job.

“Interior designers have always had a glamorous persona,” she said. “There is an attention to detail, a sense of style, an artsy flair that interior designers must have. That is reflected not only in the way they look and the way they dress but also in personality as well. Whether male or female, designers tend to be very polished.” Confidence and style are sexy.

While the public doesn’t see the “blood, sweat, and tears” Lowry said goes into the planning, preparation and actual job site work, they do see the end result, which can be quite dramatic. To create an interior, designers invoke all the senses, drawing on materials and art that can move people emotionally, and in the process, they must become intimately aware of their clients’ needs.

“There’s a lot of psychology involved, working closely with people, really listening to what they are saying so you know what to design,” Lowry said. “And everyone likes to be paid attention. That’s not flirting, but it is intimate.”

Truth is, the sexiest jobs survey isn’t about what jobs are sexy, it’s about what jobs the 8,000-plus respondents imagine are sexy.

Some experts, like evolutionary psychologist David Buss, believe that what we imagine to be sexy today is the result of eons of human history. Back in prehistoric times, our female ancestors figured out that attractive mates were men who could protect the family from danger and put that wooly mammoth on the table. Men wanted women who could bear them healthy children and take care of things back at the cave.

And despite all our claims of enlightened, politically correct, liberated 21st century ways, surveys such as the sexiest jobs poll reveal that what we find most appealing in the opposite sex probably hasn’t changed all that much over the millennia.

In his book “Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating,” (published by Basic Books), Buss discusses a landmark study of more than 10,000 people across 37 different cultures, which found that worldwide, woman are still attracted by men who they believe can protect and provide for them, and that men seek physically attractive women who they think will remain faithful.

According to Buss, that is the human success story, how we have evolved to select mates in order to thrive.

Republished with permission of The Sun Herald.

Read through the list and see if there’s anything on it that will help you maintain a great relationship with your partner.

1.  Look at your partner when they speak.

2.  Always make eye contact with your partner when you are talking.

3.  Never speak negatively about your partner in public.

4.  Always support your partner’s activities.

5.  Respect your partner’s right to hold a different opinion.

6.  Let them watch a favorite movie on TV even though you want to watch the game.

7.  Surprise them with tickets to see their local team play.

8.  Accompany them to the game and be enthusiastic about it.

9.  Leave a message on their home answering machine when you know they aren’t there.

10. Leave a voice mail message for them that they’ll get as they come out of a tough meeting.

11.  Give them time to transition from work before telling them about what’s happened at home.

12.  Ask how their day went, and listen to the response!

13.  Hugging is a free commodity — use it.

14.  Go shopping and don’t complain — just carry the bags and look interested!

15.  Never allow a bad situation to fester — sort it before it gets out of control.

16.  Take up a new activity that you can both enjoy.

17.  Put small love notes in your partner’s pocket, purse or briefcase.

18.  Fill up their gas tank when they’re not expecting it.

19.  Don’t destroy the newspaper by clipping coupons until they’re finished reading it.

20.  Discuss finances openly.

21.  Make sure that even if you have children, you find time for each other.

22.  Make a regular date, even if it’s just a weekly coffee, when you don’t discuss anything to do with work or family.

23.  Don’t criticize their parents.

24.  Don’t ask questions about their ex relationships.

25.  Don’t assume that you’re always right.

26.  Apologize even if you feel you’re right.

27.  Hold your partner’s hand in public — let the world know you’re together.

28.  Be physically close at home — a soft caress in passing let’s your partner know you love them.

29.  Back rubs are never unwelcome.

30.  People who wash dishes and fold laundry are sexy!

31.  Rub your partner’s feet when you’re watching TV together.

32.  If you notice that you’ve run out of something you use, buy it without being told.

33.  If your partner has a headache, or other pain, let them rest whilst you take responsibility for whatever else they should have been doing.

34.  Brush your partner’s hair before you go to bed.

35.  Run your partner a bubble bath.

36.  Offer to wash your partner’s back when they’re in the tub.

37.  Organize a day trip every couple of months and go somewhere you’ve both never been.

38.  Read aloud to each other.

39.  Take the snow off the car, and clear the drive without being asked.

40.  Buy your partner flowers or chocolates ‘just because’.

41.  Consult your partner about major decisions, even if they won’t be directly affected by them.

42.  Validate your partner’s efforts by saying how much you appreciate what they do for you.

43.  Find something to laugh about every day.

44.  Remember that kissing is always in fashion.

45.  Don’t bicker over little things that don’t really matter.

46.  Make a reservation for something you know your partner would love — such as a day at the spa, or a day on the golf course.

47.  Each of you should have some time of your own each day.

48.  Trust each other and your instincts, not what others tell you.

49.  Always talk through misunderstandings.

50.  Go to bed as you wake up, with a kiss and a smile for your partner.